So long 2012, its been a tough one

A New Year is almost here.

Strangely, this makes me sad. You would think I would be glad to see the back of 2012 and in a way I am but I am also very sorry to see this year come to a close.

Cordelia was born and died in 2012. A very important year in my life. In fact; it is probably the most important year in my life. Even more life changing than 2010-the year W was born. I will never be the same again-that is not all bad either. I am a more compassionate person now.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety towards the end of the year. We turned down the one invite we had to a party as I was too scared to be anywhere but in my home. I am not sure how I am going to feel as the clock strikes 12 and we reflect on this most challenging of my 34 years. How can I feel anything but sad? There will be glimmers of happiness too but they will be overshadowed by immense sadness. We lost our so wanted little girl this year. I do not want to be surrounded by people I don't know very well while I am feeling vulnerable. I want to be safe in my home, cry if I need to and not worry about other people seeing me.

I am sad to see the door close on this year because I am not ready to let go yet, I feel that a new year forces us to forget what happened in the last year and move on, make this year new year better than the last. Write it off like it didn't happen-but it did happen. I wish I could re-write our story but that is impossible. I feel time is pushing me further away from Cordelia and there is nothing I can do about that.

I do not want to add this extra distance of a new year between me and Cordelia. It will no longer be 'her' year. I want to hold her close to me still. I want her memories to be fresh. I know in reality nothing will actually change when the bells finish ringing and it is 2013. My heart will be just as broken, my life will be just as upside down so why am I so apprehensive about a change in a bunch of stupid numbers. I am a bereaved mother and it doesn't take much to set us off. Christmas was hard but for me the new year is harder. It just is.

I hope we have some nice things to look forward to this coming year. I know we have some hard things still to come for us in 2013. Cordelia's first birthday. The first anniversary of her death. Easter. Wren's first birthday since Cordelia passed away. All these things to handle. I am exhausted already just thinking about the challenges we still have yet to face-for this year and every year after. But I have hope. A twinkle here and there of good things that will happen to us-they have to. Perhaps we will welcome another baby in 2013. Hopefully my husband will get one of the jobs he recently interviewed for. Maybe I will find some direction in my life. Fingers crossed for us and all the other baby loss families that good things will happen to us this coming year. We deserve it!

Here is to a gentle 2013.


E
x