I think we did a pretty good job all things considering at keeping it together for her.
We have a tree, presents, Christmas music, lots of food but we are missing Cordelia. No matter what we do or how hard we look for her. There were no presents under the tree for her, no Christmas dinner for her, no excited smiles from her. We did our best to include Cordelia this Christmas though. We asked our friends and family to do Random Acts of Kindness in Cordelia's name. We were overwhelmed with the amazing things our friends did and I will share that all in the next few days. We still have some to open as each one makes us cry. It is taking us a long time to get through them all. Happy and Sad. I am touched by these acts of kindness but I wish we were watching Cordelia open gifts in her stocking rather than us opening pieces of paper with kind deeds written in them in her honour. It is not fair.
Cordelia would be almost 9 months old now. She would have enjoyed tearing paper off gifts and sampling her first Christmas dinner. She would have worn a pretty dress. Maybe had a clip in her hair. She would have some cute teeth and be sitting and crawling. In my dreams this is what I see and she is soo beautiful. So beautiful and happy. In my dreams.
Back in the real world, we do have W though and for that I am grateful. She is getting us through this holiday. She has kept us busy and made us laugh when we needed it. She has hugged me when I have been sad and asked if I was sad because of Cordelia. My sweet girl. I do not want her to live under Cordelia's shadow. It is hard getting the balance right sometimes. I mustn't miss out on my future with W because I am looking too hard at my past with Cordelia but the past is all I have of Cordelia. I only have memories of her and I will not get to make new ones with her. How can I look anywhere but back?
I knew this Christmas would be hard.
We did get pleasure from watching W open her presents and playing together. Happy and Sad. It was a nice quiet Christmas, the 3 of us. No pressure from anyone or anything. Our own time frame. My husband and I did not do gifts for each other this year. What could I possibly want besides the obvious. We made sure W was adequately spoiled but not too much, there are even gifts under the tree for her still. She is not greedy.
Cordelia was missed very much this Christmas and will be for every Christmas. For the rest of my life. Always. I guess the pain will lessen over the years but the truth will always be there. Cordelia is missing. Part of my heart-missing. Always.
E
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