Monday 22 April 2013
Beauty
I bought this beautiful flower for Cordelia and I wanted to share it otherwise no one else may ever see it which makes me sad. I am not usually a fan of Gerbers but this one just jumped out at me and before I knew it I was holding it in my hand paying for it.
Saturday 20 April 2013
Kindness
I received this very beautiful book in the mail from a wonderful, kind and thoughtful baby loss mumma friend of mine the day after Cordelia's anniversary.
Thank you dear friend.
E
x
Thank you dear friend.
E
x
Friday 12 April 2013
The day
The day I never imagined I would ever have to include in my life.
The saddest day imaginable.
The day my heart broke.
The day that should not have happened but did.
The day I wish I could take back.
The day that fills with me sadness and regret.
The day death entered my little family for the first time.
The day my baby daughter died.
The day I was the coldest I have ever been in my life.
The day I realised that life continues on for the rest of the world when mine stopped.
The day I cried oceans, rivers, lake, creeks, streams of tears.
The day my baby daughter died.
The day we said goodbye to her forever.
The day that never leaves my mind.
The day I held her in my arms as she took her last breaths.
The day I had to go and pick up my living daughter minutes after my baby daughter had died.
The day I finally held my baby cradled in my arms.
The day time stood still.
The day my world fell apart.
The day no mother should experience.
The day I left the hospital empty handed for the last time.
The day that I was somehow able to live through and not die too.
The day my baby daughter died.
The day innocence was lost.
April 16th 2012.
A day forever in my heart.
The saddest day imaginable.
The day my heart broke.
The day that should not have happened but did.
The day I wish I could take back.
The day that fills with me sadness and regret.
The day death entered my little family for the first time.
The day my baby daughter died.
The day I was the coldest I have ever been in my life.
The day I realised that life continues on for the rest of the world when mine stopped.
The day I cried oceans, rivers, lake, creeks, streams of tears.
The day my baby daughter died.
The day we said goodbye to her forever.
The day that never leaves my mind.
The day I held her in my arms as she took her last breaths.
The day I had to go and pick up my living daughter minutes after my baby daughter had died.
The day I finally held my baby cradled in my arms.
The day time stood still.
The day my world fell apart.
The day no mother should experience.
The day I left the hospital empty handed for the last time.
The day that I was somehow able to live through and not die too.
The day my baby daughter died.
The day innocence was lost.
April 16th 2012.
A day forever in my heart.
Wednesday 10 April 2013
A productive morning
To help me get through what I have dubbed 'The 12 days of Cordelia' I
thought I would try to do nice things for strangers, friends, myself and my husband and W, sort of like
our random acts of kindness that we did at Christmas except I have not
set myself any really goals, just to do some nice things when I am feeling
up to it. I don't know how else to cope with these 12 days that Cordelia lived for without falling to pieces.
This morning W and I went to the local international children's library here in town to donate some books in memory of Cordelia. I ordered the books a few weeks ago and they finally all arrived, it was so nice making this donation in Cordelia's honour, the ladies seemed genuinely interested in Cordelia and were also so touched to receive a donation of books. It is funny how kind strangers can be eh?
This morning I also bought a few cards to send to some special people to tell them that I love them, Cordelia has taught me that life is short and we often don't tell those special people in our lives how much they actually mean to us so, now I am. I also bought myself a letter 'C' charm for my Pandora bracelet.
Quite a productive morning really and then we met Daddy for lunch and had some quality family chow time!
I took a few pics of our morning to share with you:
This morning W and I went to the local international children's library here in town to donate some books in memory of Cordelia. I ordered the books a few weeks ago and they finally all arrived, it was so nice making this donation in Cordelia's honour, the ladies seemed genuinely interested in Cordelia and were also so touched to receive a donation of books. It is funny how kind strangers can be eh?
This morning I also bought a few cards to send to some special people to tell them that I love them, Cordelia has taught me that life is short and we often don't tell those special people in our lives how much they actually mean to us so, now I am. I also bought myself a letter 'C' charm for my Pandora bracelet.
Quite a productive morning really and then we met Daddy for lunch and had some quality family chow time!
I took a few pics of our morning to share with you:
 |
| A rare glimmer of sun this morning |
 |
| The books we donated |
 |
| The sticker we stuck inside the books |
 |
| The tram ride to the library |
 |
| card shop |
 |
| New letter 'C' |
 |
| Tram in town |
Monday 8 April 2013
What is wrong with people??
So I just had an awful conversation with a very close family member of mine. Lets just say our relationship is strained at the best of times. And this not the best of times.
This family member was rude and confrontational to me, she had been trying to get a hold of me since Cordelia's birthday and seemed to be very bent out of shape because she had been unable to, it was of course my fault we had not connected and she let me know that. To top that off alcohol was involved on her side which was no surprise either. I just told her I would cal her back tomorrow and that I was tired (it is 10pm here and I just got in from German class) which made her even more snarly and now I am left stressed out and exhausted.
I just said to my husband' What is wrong with people? Aren't people, especially family meant to be kind to you after your baby dies? What other awful thing needs to happen before people are nice to me? I have often thought about having a T-shirt made that just says 'Be nice to me' on it, but really I shouldn't need to.
All she needed to say was something like 'I just wanted you to know that I have been trying to contact you and I am sure you haven't felt like talking but I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you and glad I got you on the phone this time'.
Is it really so hard? To think of nice things to say instead of being snarly, rude and aggressive?
The worst thing is I KNEW that would happen when I spoke to this person and I still picked up the phone because it is not nice to ignore people. Even though I took a deep breath in preparation for what I knew would not be a positive conversation I was not prepared for what I got.
The real worst worst part of the conversation though was when I said to her, I will call you back tomorrow. I love you.
And then she hung up on me with out saying anything.
Sigh.....
This family member was rude and confrontational to me, she had been trying to get a hold of me since Cordelia's birthday and seemed to be very bent out of shape because she had been unable to, it was of course my fault we had not connected and she let me know that. To top that off alcohol was involved on her side which was no surprise either. I just told her I would cal her back tomorrow and that I was tired (it is 10pm here and I just got in from German class) which made her even more snarly and now I am left stressed out and exhausted.
I just said to my husband' What is wrong with people? Aren't people, especially family meant to be kind to you after your baby dies? What other awful thing needs to happen before people are nice to me? I have often thought about having a T-shirt made that just says 'Be nice to me' on it, but really I shouldn't need to.
All she needed to say was something like 'I just wanted you to know that I have been trying to contact you and I am sure you haven't felt like talking but I just wanted you to know that I have been thinking of you and glad I got you on the phone this time'.
Is it really so hard? To think of nice things to say instead of being snarly, rude and aggressive?
The worst thing is I KNEW that would happen when I spoke to this person and I still picked up the phone because it is not nice to ignore people. Even though I took a deep breath in preparation for what I knew would not be a positive conversation I was not prepared for what I got.
The real worst worst part of the conversation though was when I said to her, I will call you back tomorrow. I love you.
And then she hung up on me with out saying anything.
Sigh.....
What is in a name?
I just read an article on Still Standing and I wanted to share my baby naming experience too.
Giving my children their names was a job I took great care with. It is such a responsibility to give a person a name don't you think? I searched high and low for their potential names. Movie credits, novels, baby name books, friends suggestions. You name it. I even bought a little note book and wrote our favourite names out in full, including the surname to see how it looked. Our daughters have a rather difficult hyphenated last name that is both quite ridiculous and wonderful at the same time, so a first name has to be very special indeed. Names was one of the first things I started looking at once I was pregnant, I knew it would take a long time to find the right ones.
I am very much of the school of thought that my babies would not be named until we met them face to face. I feel I need to see them first to see what name would suit them best. I gather that typically here in Switzerland you already have your name selected before birth and provide the hospital with your boy/girl name once you arrive to deliver your baby, I remember arriving at the hospital in labour with Wren and being worried the hospital were going to force us to name our baby before we had met her but fortunately that was not the case although I do remember they wanted a name quite quickly from us after she was born, and so she was named just a few minutes later. We knew right away after seeing her what her name should be.
Wren Lucille.
Wren, it turns out is the perfect name for her, she is a small child with a beautiful albeit loud voice, just like the bird. I had found the name Wren in a novel I had read years ago and held it close to my heart. My husband loved the name Lucille and there we have it! The prefect name for her.
During the first half of my pregnancy with Cordelia, we did not know she was a girl so we carried on adding beautiful girl names to our ever increasing list of girl names and continued to struggle with boy names again. When we found out from all the testing that we were having another girl I was relieved to stop searching for elusive boy names.
Cordelia was on the list of names in our first pregnancy and while I wanted to give this new baby a list all of her very own, I just had to carry that name over because I loved it so much. When I fell in love with the name years ago I did not know it was my grandmothers middle name, it was only later that I found that out. We loved the name Rae too, not only because it was a family name as well (my husbands mothers middle name as well as her father's first name) but because it just sounds so pretty.
Rae.
It makes me think of sunshine.
I loved the 2 names together, a long and a short. It has a nice flow to it. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy I continued to look for names just in case but I remember saying to my husband that I really loved the name Cordelia Rae. We both loved it but as we had done the first time around we decided to wait to meet her until we bestowed a name upon her.
Cordelia also had a very special place in my heart because of its meaning. The name Cordelia comes from two sources: Latin and Irish. In Latin, the root of the name is "cor," meaning "heart" and the name may possibly come from the French phrase coeur de lion, "heart of the lion."
Heart of a lion! What a fitting name for our baby we knew would need a strong name to help her through her health problems. It just seemed like it was meant to be.
Of course Cordelia's birth came so unexpectedly and with me being under a general anaesthetic our naming process was very different to Wren's. By the time I woke up my husband and Wren had already seen the baby and spent a small amount of time with her in the neo unit. I only got to see a picture of her at that point but she was beautiful. My husband asked about a name. I remember saying it has to be Cordelia Rae. It was the most perfect name for her.
Our little lion heart.
And so she was named.
Without me actually seeing her in person or even holding her.
I am sad that we don't get to hear her name very often and see it written down even less so. It is such a beautiful name and so much thought went into finding it for her. I am sad that her beautiful name invokes sadness and silence when I want to shout it from the roof tops, I want to call her in for her dinner, I want to use her full name when she is in trouble, I want to fill her name out on play group lists, I want to say her name everyday and get a reaction of of what a pretty name instead of awkward silences and downward glances.
I want to say it out loud for her.
Cordelia Rae.
Giving my children their names was a job I took great care with. It is such a responsibility to give a person a name don't you think? I searched high and low for their potential names. Movie credits, novels, baby name books, friends suggestions. You name it. I even bought a little note book and wrote our favourite names out in full, including the surname to see how it looked. Our daughters have a rather difficult hyphenated last name that is both quite ridiculous and wonderful at the same time, so a first name has to be very special indeed. Names was one of the first things I started looking at once I was pregnant, I knew it would take a long time to find the right ones.
 |
| Cordelia's name written out while pregnant, art work care of W! |
I am very much of the school of thought that my babies would not be named until we met them face to face. I feel I need to see them first to see what name would suit them best. I gather that typically here in Switzerland you already have your name selected before birth and provide the hospital with your boy/girl name once you arrive to deliver your baby, I remember arriving at the hospital in labour with Wren and being worried the hospital were going to force us to name our baby before we had met her but fortunately that was not the case although I do remember they wanted a name quite quickly from us after she was born, and so she was named just a few minutes later. We knew right away after seeing her what her name should be.
Wren Lucille.
Wren, it turns out is the perfect name for her, she is a small child with a beautiful albeit loud voice, just like the bird. I had found the name Wren in a novel I had read years ago and held it close to my heart. My husband loved the name Lucille and there we have it! The prefect name for her.
During the first half of my pregnancy with Cordelia, we did not know she was a girl so we carried on adding beautiful girl names to our ever increasing list of girl names and continued to struggle with boy names again. When we found out from all the testing that we were having another girl I was relieved to stop searching for elusive boy names.
Cordelia was on the list of names in our first pregnancy and while I wanted to give this new baby a list all of her very own, I just had to carry that name over because I loved it so much. When I fell in love with the name years ago I did not know it was my grandmothers middle name, it was only later that I found that out. We loved the name Rae too, not only because it was a family name as well (my husbands mothers middle name as well as her father's first name) but because it just sounds so pretty.
Rae.
It makes me think of sunshine.
I loved the 2 names together, a long and a short. It has a nice flow to it. Throughout the rest of my pregnancy I continued to look for names just in case but I remember saying to my husband that I really loved the name Cordelia Rae. We both loved it but as we had done the first time around we decided to wait to meet her until we bestowed a name upon her.
Cordelia also had a very special place in my heart because of its meaning. The name Cordelia comes from two sources: Latin and Irish. In Latin, the root of the name is "cor," meaning "heart" and the name may possibly come from the French phrase coeur de lion, "heart of the lion."
Heart of a lion! What a fitting name for our baby we knew would need a strong name to help her through her health problems. It just seemed like it was meant to be.
Of course Cordelia's birth came so unexpectedly and with me being under a general anaesthetic our naming process was very different to Wren's. By the time I woke up my husband and Wren had already seen the baby and spent a small amount of time with her in the neo unit. I only got to see a picture of her at that point but she was beautiful. My husband asked about a name. I remember saying it has to be Cordelia Rae. It was the most perfect name for her.
Our little lion heart.
And so she was named.
Without me actually seeing her in person or even holding her.
I am sad that we don't get to hear her name very often and see it written down even less so. It is such a beautiful name and so much thought went into finding it for her. I am sad that her beautiful name invokes sadness and silence when I want to shout it from the roof tops, I want to call her in for her dinner, I want to use her full name when she is in trouble, I want to fill her name out on play group lists, I want to say her name everyday and get a reaction of of what a pretty name instead of awkward silences and downward glances.
I want to say it out loud for her.
Cordelia Rae.
Thursday 4 April 2013
Just for today
I received this poem in an email from my mother in law this morning.
Today is Cordelia's Birthday.
This poem spoke so loudly to me on this most bitter sweet of days. It was like it was written about me and my grief, my guilt, my sadness, my loneliness, my love, my anger, forgiveness, betrayal.
Today is Cordelia's Birthday.
This poem spoke so loudly to me on this most bitter sweet of days. It was like it was written about me and my grief, my guilt, my sadness, my loneliness, my love, my anger, forgiveness, betrayal.
Just For Today For Bereaved Parents
by Vicki Tushingham
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
and not expect to get over my child's death,
but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just her death,
and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days
and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside,
for maybe if I smile a little,
my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my
child,
for they are hurting too,
and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of
guilt,
for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world
I could of done to save my child from death,
I would of done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory
by doing something with another child
because I know that would make my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship
to another bereaved parent
for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving
and the only reason I hurt is because
I had the privilege of loving so much
Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am
and have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
for I know that I am not deserting her by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
my life did go on,
and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once
more.
Wednesday 3 April 2013
Denial
Today it has hit me.
I have been in denial you see.
Tomorrow is my very special little girls birthday.
I knew it was coming and I have prepared a tiny amount for it but on the whole I have been pretending that tomorrow was not going to happen. I have seen the date on the calendar, even bought food with the expiry date of her birthday but somehow I have still been in denial that the day would come. I feel guilty for this too. I know it must be a coping mechanism but I feel guilty still. It is not that I haven't been thinking of her all the time it's just that I have closed myself down to the pain a little..until today.
Today is the day last year that I woke with bleeding. The day last year that I rushed the two of us off to the hospital. The day I did what I could to save her but failed.
I didn't want to get out of bed today, the first time in a while I have felt that way. No chance for this lady though, Miss W wanted her breakfast. Life must go on.
This is the real start of Cordelia's story. The day she could have been saved. If the hospital had not sent me home this could have been a different story. I often think about how my life would look now had she lived. I know it wouldn't be all sunshine and flowers that I often think it would look like through my rose tinted glasses. I know it would be hard but I would have my 2 girls at least. Cordelia would have had health problems and I am sure they would have impacted our lives on a daily basis but I am confident we would have managed and been happy through the difficulties we encountered.
I feel very sad today and frightened too. Frightened of tomorrow. I am scared to wake up tomorrow. Scared of all the memories. Flashbacks. I could barely sleep last night so I imagine tonight will be worse. I know it should be a day that has some nice moments too, nice memories of Cordelia but in reality her actual birthday last year was a frightening day. We were so worried for her, it was not clear how stable her health was for the first part of the day. I woke from the anaesthetic under the impression she was going to die quickly. It was all very confusing under the influence of the GA. She was more stable by the end of the day, surprisingly so even, but it was still a very long and traumatic day. I was also recovering from my c-section. A feat in and of itself. Cordelia was alive and we had hope at least. We had each other.
Love and Hope
And now we are here,1 year later. I know I feel love still, although it is an altered love, a sad love, it is still love though. And buried somewhere deep inside of me is Hope too. A small flame that lights my broken self and forces me to keep going.
I still don't know how 1 year has passed.
How on earth did that happen.
Love you C.
Mumma
x
I have been in denial you see.
Tomorrow is my very special little girls birthday.
I knew it was coming and I have prepared a tiny amount for it but on the whole I have been pretending that tomorrow was not going to happen. I have seen the date on the calendar, even bought food with the expiry date of her birthday but somehow I have still been in denial that the day would come. I feel guilty for this too. I know it must be a coping mechanism but I feel guilty still. It is not that I haven't been thinking of her all the time it's just that I have closed myself down to the pain a little..until today.
Today is the day last year that I woke with bleeding. The day last year that I rushed the two of us off to the hospital. The day I did what I could to save her but failed.
I didn't want to get out of bed today, the first time in a while I have felt that way. No chance for this lady though, Miss W wanted her breakfast. Life must go on.
This is the real start of Cordelia's story. The day she could have been saved. If the hospital had not sent me home this could have been a different story. I often think about how my life would look now had she lived. I know it wouldn't be all sunshine and flowers that I often think it would look like through my rose tinted glasses. I know it would be hard but I would have my 2 girls at least. Cordelia would have had health problems and I am sure they would have impacted our lives on a daily basis but I am confident we would have managed and been happy through the difficulties we encountered.
I feel very sad today and frightened too. Frightened of tomorrow. I am scared to wake up tomorrow. Scared of all the memories. Flashbacks. I could barely sleep last night so I imagine tonight will be worse. I know it should be a day that has some nice moments too, nice memories of Cordelia but in reality her actual birthday last year was a frightening day. We were so worried for her, it was not clear how stable her health was for the first part of the day. I woke from the anaesthetic under the impression she was going to die quickly. It was all very confusing under the influence of the GA. She was more stable by the end of the day, surprisingly so even, but it was still a very long and traumatic day. I was also recovering from my c-section. A feat in and of itself. Cordelia was alive and we had hope at least. We had each other.
Love and Hope
And now we are here,1 year later. I know I feel love still, although it is an altered love, a sad love, it is still love though. And buried somewhere deep inside of me is Hope too. A small flame that lights my broken self and forces me to keep going.
I still don't know how 1 year has passed.
How on earth did that happen.
Love you C.
Mumma
x
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