This time last year we were in the thick of my pregnancy with Cordelia. It was this time last year that her health was a serious concern. This time last year was such a frightening and uncertain time in my life. We didn't know what was wrong with Cordelia only that something was wrong with her health and it was a waiting game to see if she developed other symptoms while I was carrying her. It was so painful not knowing what each appointment would bring. Good news as in no new symptoms or more bad news. During all of this time of uncertainty and fear I never once thought she wouldn't ever come home with us. I try to look back and wonder if I ever thought about it but I don't think I did. I think perhaps the thought was too dark that my subconscience couldn't even think of it, couldn't even imagine it. I am reliving last years events daily in my head, reliving the appointments, the words spoken. Reliving the fear. I am having a tougher time than usual in the run up to Cordelia's birth and death. I should be planning her first birthday party as well as a 3rd birthday party for W. Last year on W's birthday I had the MRI. Will every birthday of hers now be clouded by my memories of that day?
I had a therapy appointment a few days ago. My doctor told me that physically I am OK to try to start trying for another baby. I have been waiting for this time with baited breath. My heart aches for another baby to love and hold but the thought of being pregnant still seems too scary for me to contemplate. I am terrified I will have another abruption. The future seems so scary sometimes. I can't go through that again. One of the things I love about being in Switzerland is the care here though. My doctor assured me I will have so much support from the hospital during a subsequent pregnancy, not just physical care for me and the future baby but also care for my mental health. I won't be alone.
What makes this all so much more difficult and confusing is the timing. Cordelia's 1st birthday and her 1st anniversary are fast approaching. How can I think about another baby during this time? But I am. Here I am mourning my loss so heavily still but now with the prospect of having another child on the horizon. My heart hurts so bad and I am heavily conflicted with fear, saddness and guilt. My old friend guilt. Never far from my side. Nothing is straight forward anymore. I feel guilty for thinking about another baby when I should be focused on Cordelia.
We are still waiting for the geneticist appointment to discuss the Peters Anomaly they found in Cordelia's eyes and until we have that appointment I don't feel ready to think about TTC. I need to know what the chances of another baby having the same illness would be. My heart is too fragile. My wonderful doctor actually called the geneticist office for me to chase them up but he is on holiday for another 2 weeks. That is fine for me. Once we have that appointment and the all clear to TTC there will be no medical reason for us not to try for another baby. But will I ready? Will I ever be ready? Probably not. I think I will just have to jump in feet first. How terrifying. I am not sure I am that brave. This is of course all on the assumption that the geneticist has only reassuring news for us. I hope he does.
I have been asked numerous times if we will have another baby. A friend last week actually asked me if we will try for a 2nd! Err-you mean our 3rd right?
Some people.
I am going to research some books on pregnancy after loss to help me get me head a little bit straight. If other women out there can do it so can I.
Maybe some hope might be a good thing for us.
E
x
Wednesday 27 February 2013
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Home
We are home again.
Safe and sound.
I missed my home.
In fact, I wanted to come home as soon as we left. I had so much anxiety about this trip to UK that I didn't really enjoy it. I was well out of my comfort zone and wanted to be back in the safety of my own bubble. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to see friends but after so many years and my experience of losing Cordelia things were different. I am different.
I struggled to relate to my friends lives as much as I am sure they struggled to relate to mine. There were the awkward looks of pity, the ' I'm so sorry, I don't know what to says' but I didn't feel like anyone actually made an effort to talk to me about Cordelia and my experience. Maybe I should have been more open with them but they all seemed so happy in their sweet innocent lives, it was as if talking about dead babies would jinx their lives. That if we talked about Cordelia it might happen to them too. That we were contagious.
The biggest realisation for me though was that I think I discovered that for me Switzerland is home.
Home.
It's been a while since I have felt I had a home but I think I have found one here in my sweet little apartment with my sweet little imperfect family. I look around me and while the most awful thing happened to us while we have been here some wonderful things have happened too and most importantly I feel safe here, comfortable. My husband just got a new job here which he starts in May due to his long notice period. Phew, I was worried if he didn't find a new job here that we would have to leave, move on to another country. His new job offers me security as now we will be here for a while longer still. He is open to leaving here sooner than me but he is happy to stay here as long as I need to, which is why he got a new job here rather than the states or Canada. I am in no rush to leave and he understands that thankfully.
I have a good husband.
Safe and sound.
I missed my home.
In fact, I wanted to come home as soon as we left. I had so much anxiety about this trip to UK that I didn't really enjoy it. I was well out of my comfort zone and wanted to be back in the safety of my own bubble. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to see friends but after so many years and my experience of losing Cordelia things were different. I am different.
I struggled to relate to my friends lives as much as I am sure they struggled to relate to mine. There were the awkward looks of pity, the ' I'm so sorry, I don't know what to says' but I didn't feel like anyone actually made an effort to talk to me about Cordelia and my experience. Maybe I should have been more open with them but they all seemed so happy in their sweet innocent lives, it was as if talking about dead babies would jinx their lives. That if we talked about Cordelia it might happen to them too. That we were contagious.
The biggest realisation for me though was that I think I discovered that for me Switzerland is home.
Home.
It's been a while since I have felt I had a home but I think I have found one here in my sweet little apartment with my sweet little imperfect family. I look around me and while the most awful thing happened to us while we have been here some wonderful things have happened too and most importantly I feel safe here, comfortable. My husband just got a new job here which he starts in May due to his long notice period. Phew, I was worried if he didn't find a new job here that we would have to leave, move on to another country. His new job offers me security as now we will be here for a while longer still. He is open to leaving here sooner than me but he is happy to stay here as long as I need to, which is why he got a new job here rather than the states or Canada. I am in no rush to leave and he understands that thankfully.
I have a good husband.
Friday 15 February 2013
M.I.A
I have been a bit busy this last week and haven't been able to post anything. We are going away for a week now so will probably write a post when we get back.
I am going to visit the UK. I lived there from ages 8-21 and 25-28, so a big part of my life is there but it has been 6 years since I have been back. It is going to be quite the week I think. I have been actually having a fair bit of anxiety for lots of reasons about trip and now departure day is here I am very tired and would like to crawl into bed instead of hastily finishing my packing and dragging us all to airport in the snow.
Wish me a good trip.
E
x
I am going to visit the UK. I lived there from ages 8-21 and 25-28, so a big part of my life is there but it has been 6 years since I have been back. It is going to be quite the week I think. I have been actually having a fair bit of anxiety for lots of reasons about trip and now departure day is here I am very tired and would like to crawl into bed instead of hastily finishing my packing and dragging us all to airport in the snow.
Wish me a good trip.
E
x
Thursday 7 February 2013
My girls
Something I struggle a lot with is not doing enough things for Cordelia. Including her in our life in as many ways as possible. People may think I do a lot but I feel no matter what I do- it is never enough.
If I make something for W than I feel guilty for not making one for Cordelia too. Some things are not possible for me to do for both girls but that doesn't stop me from feeling sad or guilty.
One thing I did recently for both of my girls was some subway art with all their birth information. First I made one for W to hang in her bedroom, but as I was making it I felt so terrible for only making one for her and not Cordelia. She existed too. I battled with my inner self for weeks over this. In the end some good advice I had was to make one for Cordelia but put it with her box of belongings as a keepsake. OK-an answer to my dilemma I thought..until I felt guilty for hiding it away! I am so troubled with making sure Cordelia is remembered and visible in our family and home but I also do not want to turn my house into a shrine. We have a spot for Cordelia in our house with her urn and some sun catcher crystals and pictures of her and her name from Carly Marie in the sand. Cordelia's spot is really very pretty. That's how I want it to stay. I do not want her spot to be overloaded with things. I like it simple, but at the same time I want to collect things for her and in her memory. Life is complicated. I am trying to find a balance between my dead daughter and my living daughter. I do not want W to grow up in Cordelia's shadow. Balance.
I felt so guilty that I have not printed either of these pictures off. They are sat here in a folder on my laptop. Waiting for me to figure out what to do.
I just had the idea of sharing them here. I thought this would be a safe place to share my work because I am not frightened to show of both of my pieces here, it is OK for me to display stuff about dead babies here. You will not judge me or think me strange or think that I am trying to hold on too hard to Cordelia's memory or that I am morbid for creating this picture. I had to create this picture. She is as much my daughter as W is.
For Cordelia's I chose to only include positive things. I wanted this to be a positive piece to look at, something to look at where the focus was her birth-not her death although the 2 always go together. I find it hard to not think of her death when I think of her birth but looking at this makes me think about when she was alive. Not dead. When we got to have snuggles, listening to her breathing. In, out, in, out.
Until she stopped.
Love you sweet girl.
Mummy
x
If I make something for W than I feel guilty for not making one for Cordelia too. Some things are not possible for me to do for both girls but that doesn't stop me from feeling sad or guilty.
One thing I did recently for both of my girls was some subway art with all their birth information. First I made one for W to hang in her bedroom, but as I was making it I felt so terrible for only making one for her and not Cordelia. She existed too. I battled with my inner self for weeks over this. In the end some good advice I had was to make one for Cordelia but put it with her box of belongings as a keepsake. OK-an answer to my dilemma I thought..until I felt guilty for hiding it away! I am so troubled with making sure Cordelia is remembered and visible in our family and home but I also do not want to turn my house into a shrine. We have a spot for Cordelia in our house with her urn and some sun catcher crystals and pictures of her and her name from Carly Marie in the sand. Cordelia's spot is really very pretty. That's how I want it to stay. I do not want her spot to be overloaded with things. I like it simple, but at the same time I want to collect things for her and in her memory. Life is complicated. I am trying to find a balance between my dead daughter and my living daughter. I do not want W to grow up in Cordelia's shadow. Balance.
I felt so guilty that I have not printed either of these pictures off. They are sat here in a folder on my laptop. Waiting for me to figure out what to do.
I just had the idea of sharing them here. I thought this would be a safe place to share my work because I am not frightened to show of both of my pieces here, it is OK for me to display stuff about dead babies here. You will not judge me or think me strange or think that I am trying to hold on too hard to Cordelia's memory or that I am morbid for creating this picture. I had to create this picture. She is as much my daughter as W is.
For Cordelia's I chose to only include positive things. I wanted this to be a positive piece to look at, something to look at where the focus was her birth-not her death although the 2 always go together. I find it hard to not think of her death when I think of her birth but looking at this makes me think about when she was alive. Not dead. When we got to have snuggles, listening to her breathing. In, out, in, out.
Until she stopped.
Love you sweet girl.
Mummy
x
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