This time last year we were in the thick of my pregnancy with Cordelia. It was this time last year that her health was a serious concern. This time last year was such a frightening and uncertain time in my life. We didn't know what was wrong with Cordelia only that something was wrong with her health and it was a waiting game to see if she developed other symptoms while I was carrying her. It was so painful not knowing what each appointment would bring. Good news as in no new symptoms or more bad news. During all of this time of uncertainty and fear I never once thought she wouldn't ever come home with us. I try to look back and wonder if I ever thought about it but I don't think I did. I think perhaps the thought was too dark that my subconscience couldn't even think of it, couldn't even imagine it. I am reliving last years events daily in my head, reliving the appointments, the words spoken. Reliving the fear. I am having a tougher time than usual in the run up to Cordelia's birth and death. I should be planning her first birthday party as well as a 3rd birthday party for W. Last year on W's birthday I had the MRI. Will every birthday of hers now be clouded by my memories of that day?
I had a therapy appointment a few days ago. My doctor told me that physically I am OK to try to start trying for another baby. I have been waiting for this time with baited breath. My heart aches for another baby to love and hold but the thought of being pregnant still seems too scary for me to contemplate. I am terrified I will have another abruption. The future seems so scary sometimes. I can't go through that again. One of the things I love about being in Switzerland is the care here though. My doctor assured me I will have so much support from the hospital during a subsequent pregnancy, not just physical care for me and the future baby but also care for my mental health. I won't be alone.
What makes this all so much more difficult and confusing is the timing. Cordelia's 1st birthday and her 1st anniversary are fast approaching. How can I think about another baby during this time? But I am. Here I am mourning my loss so heavily still but now with the prospect of having another child on the horizon. My heart hurts so bad and I am heavily conflicted with fear, saddness and guilt. My old friend guilt. Never far from my side. Nothing is straight forward anymore. I feel guilty for thinking about another baby when I should be focused on Cordelia.
We are still waiting for the geneticist appointment to discuss the Peters Anomaly they found in Cordelia's eyes and until we have that appointment I don't feel ready to think about TTC. I need to know what the chances of another baby having the same illness would be. My heart is too fragile. My wonderful doctor actually called the geneticist office for me to chase them up but he is on holiday for another 2 weeks. That is fine for me. Once we have that appointment and the all clear to TTC there will be no medical reason for us not to try for another baby. But will I ready? Will I ever be ready? Probably not. I think I will just have to jump in feet first. How terrifying. I am not sure I am that brave. This is of course all on the assumption that the geneticist has only reassuring news for us. I hope he does.
I have been asked numerous times if we will have another baby. A friend last week actually asked me if we will try for a 2nd! Err-you mean our 3rd right?
Some people.
I am going to research some books on pregnancy after loss to help me get me head a little bit straight. If other women out there can do it so can I.
Maybe some hope might be a good thing for us.
E
x
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