Somewhere over the rainbow...

Yesterday we had W's 3rd birthday party, I have been busy this last week or so preparing for her party. I was apprehensive about having a party full stop but I couldn't deny her a party when she has had one every year, this year especially as she knows all about birthday parties now. As always; I work hard at making sure life is happy for her as much as possible.

This year the theme was Pink and Purple-her two favourite colours. We ended up having 8 three/four year olds, 3 babies and 17 parents over. We managed to squeeze everyone into our apartment with the help of rearranging some furniture around. All in all the party was a success. The kids had a great time and I surprisingly coped really well. I tried to block out last year's party as much as possible. Last I was pregnant. Last year on the very day of W's birthday and party I had the MRI to look at Cordelia's eyes. Last year I thought this year I would have 2 kids with me.

But it is this year now.

Things are different.

The baby I thought would come home with me didn't.

I mentioned before that I am unsure if I believe in signs. I am not a religious person or even really a spiritual person. Sometimes I am given food for thought and I question my outlook on life after death. Sometimes when I see beautiful things in nature I think of Cordelia, I can't help but wonder if she puts beauty out there for me to see. Such an event took place yesterday during W's party. There was a big beautiful Rainbow right outside our apartment, all the kids were very excited and to be honest I just admired it without thinking of Cordelia as first, I was more concerned about the 4 kids stood on my radiator and worrying if it was going to break off the wall.

This rainbow was spectacular though. Big and bright, it also lasted for quite some time, but not long enough for me to think to take a picture of it. After everyone left that evening I mentioned to my husband that I thought that maybe the rainbow was a sign. A sign that Cordelia was here with us today. He is like me. He kinda agreed with me but it goes against everything we believe in or in our case don't believe in but a part of me can't help but think, maybe even hope that it was a sign from her. I think what opened our minds to signs was on the day Cordelia was cremated. At the cemetery on a very cold a grey day the sun came out at the time she was being cremated and shone down on us, we also had a deer run across our path a few minutes later. I have never seen a deer since or before that occasion here in Switzerland.

I know that in reality it was the weather system that created the rainbow but it is a nice thought to think it was my sweet girl showing her love for her big sister on her special day. Is there anything wrong with thinking stuff like this? Even when I would never have believed anything like this before Cordelia died? Maybe this is just part of the new normal for me. My life is different now so why shouldn't I be able to accept little signs like a rainbow to be from my sweet girl.? Of course I miss her so painfully much that I will look for signs of her wherever I can and I think this may be normal, albeit a little strange for the old me but perhaps very normal for the new me. Or should I just take the rainbow at face value and accept its beauty and also accept that beautiful things only make me think of Cordelia but that they are not sent from her. That last thought makes me feel a little sad though, it makes the world seem an even lonelier place without hope that we will get these  signs from our babies.

Am I a little confused?

Yes.