Capture your Grief

Capture your Grief has been organised by Carly Marie over at carlymarieprojectheal. The idea is that you take a picture (relating to our grief) every day in October which is pregnancy and baby loss awareness month. Carly Marie has suggested a topic for each day. Here is my journey:

Day1-Sunrise

Not the most amazing sunrise sadly.


Day 2-Before loss self portrait

This is me on one of the happiest days of my life. We had such a special family oriented day with Wren taking part in the ceremony too. We knew after this day that we would start trying for our second baby as soon as we got back to Switzerland, sure enough I was pregnant 6 weeks after this picture was taken.

Day 3-After loss self portrait

It took me over 5 months to actually be in a photograph-this was the first one, not so much a portrait but I am still not happy enough for the camera to get that close so this is it. I couldn't and still can't bear the thought of capturing myself on film and then having to look back at myself. What am I afraid of? So many things, what will I see? Pain, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, hatred, shame, guilt, too much weight, the list is endless. I didn't want a picture to remind me of this awful time I am going through-that every time I would look back at it I would be reminded of this painful and difficult time, even if it was 50 years down the road. What I have learnt from this picture is that I can never be reminded because I never forget-not even for 1 minute. What I am surprised about is that I actually look happy!

Day 4-Treasured Item

We read this book to Cordelia while she was in her little incubator in the neo natal unit. I wanted her to hear our voices as much as possible so she wouldn't feel lonely. It can be hard to keep up a continuous conversation all day and night so I thought reading to her would be nice. It also made me feel like I was doing something for her and not just sitting there, being in the NICU was so hard as we were only able to do limited things in terms of care for Cordie, especially once she got very sick and we couldn't even hold her any more. I am really grateful that I got to finish reading her these books, I was terrified we would run out of time and she would never know how they ended.

Day 5-Memorial

We made this cairn for Cordelia together as a family. We were in such a beautiful spot overlooking the Matterhorn that we thought it would be a nice place to make another memorial for our sweet Cordelia. I don't know why but I didn't take a picture with the Matterhorn in the background, it really is such a beautiful spot, very peaceful and majestic. There is something very special about being incredibly high up in the mountains. It was a very special moment for us to share as a family as W helped collect some of the rocks we used, we made a small cairn for a small girl, the top rocks were full of glittery matter in them, very pretty and girly-as far as rocks can go. It was a nice bonding moment for us and a special way to include W in creating a way to memorialise her little sister. Needless to say there were tears involved but I am glad we made this, I feel somewhat comforted knowing that this cairn that we built is out there. Cordelia also has another bigger cairn that her daddy built on a different hike not long after she passed away.


Day 6- What NOT to say

This is something I have experienced in many ways; by people not talking about Cordelia and what happened or by people just disappearing off the face of the earth. I know this is a difficult subject but by ignoring Cordelia and me I feel it is being disrespectful and it hurts me. Now, this also comes with its complications as there are times when I would rather just have a regular ol' conversation which can make it confusing for people-I'm sorry-how do you think it feels to be me.

I know a lot of people left us alone in the early days of Cordelia passing away as they didn't know what to do or say but when everyone does that it feels lonely. There are no words to say that will take the pain away or make Cordelia come back so just say that, it really is that simple. I don't really want to talk about the unintentional hurtful things that people have said to me, I try to put myself in your shoes and wonder what I would have said too. I wonder what I would have done if the roles were reversed-I hope I would have been a good friend.


Day 7-What TO say

Does what it says on the tin (or my baking tray in this case)


Day 8-Jewelry

Dandelions are my way of remembering Cordelia, I guess it is a way for me to see her now that she is not here anymore. I searched and searched for the right piece of jewelry to wear. There is a lot out there specifically designed for bereaved mothers but none of it was really me. I also wanted a piece that didn't attract questions so wings etc were out for me. I finally found my necklace on etsy and I have worn it every single day since I got it. I have had quite a few comments from friends about how much they like it not knowing that for me it symbolises my never ending love for Cordelia and that wearing this necklace makes me feel she is close to me and my heart. I have noticed that I often touch the necklace if I am feeling stressed or upset, I find great comfort in wearing it. As well as this necklace I also have a heart charm for my pandora bracelet, I already had one on there for my husband and W so it was natural for there to be one for Cordelia too.

Day 9-Special Place

This is a hard one for me. I don't really have a special place. We had Cordelia cremated so that when we eventually leave Switzerland she can come with us. I couldn't bear the thought of having to leave her behind. We live in a flat so we have no garden to plant a tree, I did some summer flowers on my balcony for her but there have seen better days now. Cordelia's ashes are in our house but we have not made a special place for her; I think we haven't been ready to do that yet. So back to the main task at hand: a special place. I have decided to go with my bed. It was most often at night that I would get the chance to really think about her and feel her move around when I was still pregnant, my husband too. It is also the place that I went to in my deepest grief, the place where I could really cry, be sad  and think. The place where I could be warm and safe, I was soo cold after Cordelia passed away, like nothing I have experienced before; cold to the core. The place where I could shut everyone and everything out, even reality sometimes. It is the place I still go to daily to escape while W is napping, to think about Cordelia and what happened to her and to sleep if I can, ahh precious sleep. Grief is exhausting-no one tells you that and I am thankful for having this tiny piece of sanctuary where I can go and do what I need to do; hide away. On a side note I have just realised how stark my room looks from this angle.

Day 10-Symbol

Around the time of Cordelia's birth and death, dandelions were everywhere, the grassy area surrounding my flat was literally filled with dandelions-hundreds of them. In the early days of our grief the furthest I could take W out to play was the little playground outside of my building, W would run around in the dandelion filled grass laughing away (life is still sweet for her), her auntie who was visiting to help support us all taught her how to blow them. Dandelions are so fragile and light like Cordelia was and like her, they are only here for a short time. Watching the seeds float up in the air really makes me feel peaceful. Now, whenever W blows one I tell her to think of her sister and we watch her fly high in the sky-this fills me with tears but some of them are happy ones.

Dandelions also have a link her with her name, Cordelia means lions heart in French (very apt for such a strong girl) and  and I have read amongst other translations of the word Dandelion that it can also mean lions tooth, I think bereaved mothers like to make these kinds of connections because it gives us more to hold onto when our arms are empty of our babies. This picture is actually hanging in my house-on the wall between our room and W's room, I think of Cordelia every time I walk past it. I like that it is a subtle reminder of her.

Day 11-Supportive friends and family.

My daughter W has been the reason for me to get out of bed everyday and forced me to go out even when I don't want to. I have to be honest, raising a toddler under the haze of grief is really hard. I feel like she has got the short end of the stick sometimes, I have not been the best mumma to her at times and an awful lot of cartoon watching has been done, this has been such a difficult time to give her everything she needs while trying to grieve for Cordelia as well.

My wonderful, loving and supportive husband is the only other person who knows how this feels, he is living this nightmare too. I find it hard to open up about Cordelia and the details of her life, even with Mr M which should be the opposite, me and him are on the same page and opening up is something I am working on, it means being brave and opening your heart (which he already has) so it should be easy right? But with everything since we lost Cordelia-it's complicated. I posted this picture of the two of them playing together, being silly-making me smile.

With all the rest of the family being so far away and 9 hours behind us it has been hard for them to be there for us as much as I am sure they would have wanted to be which really sucks. The could have tried harder maybe, I could have too. There is definitely a distance between us now that is not just continents and ocean. I feel a little let down.

I have had tremendous support from my midwife who still comes to see me for a coffee and the doctor and psychologist I see at the hospital, without their support I am not sure where I would be right now.

Day 12-Scent

 

I wish I had a positive scent that reminded me of Cordelia but I don't. I could say flowers, perhaps Lilies as we had loads sent after Cordelia passed away but that would not be being honest or true. It makes me sad and angry that the scent that reminds me of Cordelia is the awful hand sanitiser at the hospital, I feel sick when I smell it which is quite often because of my therapy sessions being there. We had to use it all the time in the neo natal unit which also has its own distinct smell that is too difficult to describe, its like clean, dry air if that even makes sense. I actually used some hand sanitiser at home a few weeks ago in a project for W, I was so upset by the smell that I looked up an alternative and found I could use vinegar in the project instead. It just brought back too many painful memories for me.


Day 13-Signs

I have 'felt' Cordelia quite a few times, I wouldn't call them signs more of a feeling. Mostly when I have been out running and the sun hits me a particular way. I feel close to her and sometimes talk to her. I don't really enjoy the running-I am not very good at it but I am doing it to get fit and lose the baby weight that I had been counting on breastfeeding to do for me. I wish I wasn't in this situation-why did you have to leave us sweet girl-we miss you. The only real sign I feel I have had from her was the day we built the cairn on the mountain top, just before we had taken the picture the 3 of us had shared a beautiful picnic lunch up there, we chose a spot to eat and sat down on some rocks, as soon as I sat down right beside my feet I saw a lone dandelion with all of its seeds, I wish I had taken a picture of it. I took that as a sign Cordelia was with us, I mean really what are the chances of seeing that on a barren mountain top in late September?, I think that is what partly inspired us to build the cairn. I don't have a picture of the dandelion (W picked it and blew it!) but this is a picture from that day-that is mine and W's shadows you can see. I am not sure I even really believe in signs, maybe it was the mountain air that made me feel close to her and I was just reaching-who knows but it was a comforting feeling and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Day 14-Community

My community is mostly on line. I have found lots of great forums, websites and blogs that are helping me along this journey. I have always used the Internet heavily but these days any minute I get where I am not playing with W, I am surfing grief related sites (or Pinterest). I like being anonymous, I can find it hard to share face to face but on line I can really let it out. I have found strength in other women who have been brave enough to share their babies' story and how they are surviving. I am thankful for the women who are trying to do positive things to help other mums in this saddest of communities.Through the Internet I have also found a lovely group of baby loss mums in the English speaking community here in Switzerland. We met up a few weeks ago which was the first time I had actually really met anyone like me, women who understood me and know this kind of pain and how sad and complicated losing a child is. I am looking forward to getting to know these ladies better and we will be mostly doing that through our on line group and meeting every few months. If I lived in an English speaking country and closer to my family and friends I am sure I would be posting a picture of them and the support groups I would attend but as I am not and somewhat isolated by living far from home and not speaking German I don't attend support groups or see my family which is why I am thankful for the extensive on line communities that have become so important to me.
I wish that  I could speak better German and start to become more involved in the baby loss community here, perhaps in time. I would like to be more active in helping other mums in the future when I feel strong enough to do this. I have been thinking of ways to do this recently. I feel I have been given so much that I want to give back somehow. I am thinking of creating memory boxes for the hospital and figuring a way I can offer support to other English speaking mothers in the future. These are positive things for me to start focusing on, for now I still feel I am in a dark place more than light and need lots of support some of  which I will be finding on my online communities.

Day 15-Wave of Light

Here are couple of pictures from our wave of light, I wanted W to be able to participate so I bought her some of the electronic tea lights and showed her how to switch them on so she could 'light' a candle for Cordelia too. It was really important for her to share in this special event even though she thought the candles were for a cake! It was nice to do this as a family. We lit the main candle for Cordelia the tea lights in a heart shape were for all the other babies in the world who had to leave their parents too soon. It was quite an emotional evening for us, lots of tears, and I missed her more than ever, sometimes I still feel totally in shock that this happened to us. It is so hard to believe sometimes that Cordelia was here and then she wasn't. But she was. The pain is totally real, the memories are totally real so why does it feel so surreal? I think acceptance has something to do with this I am not there yet which is why I feel like this, like I am slowly going a little crazy. How can you accept something when you don't want to believe it happened, even when you know full well it did?

Day 16-Release

My release is therapy. It is the place I go to let it all out and release my thoughts, emotions and tears, lots and lots of tears. I am so thankful to the ladies I speak to. This was the best way I could think of conveying therapy.


Day 17-Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

We have not reached Cordelia's birthday yet although I am dreading that day already. Every month is an anniversary for me, every 4th and 16th of the month I can't help but think she would have been 6 months old or it has been 6 months since she died, memories of events that took place on those dates are at the forefront of my thoughts, I often have Cordelia/baby/pregnancy related dreams too. I hate living this cycle each and every month but that is how it is right now, perhaps it will be less vivid down the road. This was Cordelia's due date.

Day 18-Family Portrait

 There are lots of things I wish for. I wish that Cordelia was still here. But she is not and won't ever be, god that hurts to say and even more to see typed out. I wish we had a picture of all 4 of us together before we ran out of time, something we didn't expect to run out of when she looked to be doing so well. I chose an old picture of the 3 of us. No family portrait really feels right now as Cordelia is not here. This picture reflects us as a family before the heartache. I have one picture of the 3 of us since Cordelia passed away and while it is a nice picture it can be hard for me to look as as there should be 4-not 3 of us. This will be something that I will have to come to terms with. It's not that I am not thankful for the family I get to hold, squeeze and kiss everyday it is just hard to look at the picture and not think of all the what if's. Cordelia is missing, she should have been there. It is hard not to feel sadness with the happiness at looking at your beautiful existing family. Man, life is complicated these days.

Day 19-Project

This is my project, capturing my grief. I needed a place to put the project so I created this blog thinking I would just use the space for this project but now I am finding I am actually blogging as well.  I am also trying to 'write' Cordelia's name in as many places as I can which I am sharing in her name gallery at the top. I write 'W's' name all the time and it got me thinking that we will hardly ever see Cordelia's name written. That makes me sad. We love her name. We spent too many hours obsessing over names during the pregnancy, well actually that was mostly me doing the obsessing to not see it written down. I love to see her name written and spoken aloud, yes it brings some pain but also some happiness, she was here and we loved her, we love her-always will do. It would be a shame to not see and hear such a beautiful name that was given to such a beautiful little girl. I know there will be more projects for Cordelia over the years, projects for me, us as a family but also projects done in her name and memory hopefully.



Day 20-Charity/Organisation

After Cordelia passed away flowers started arriving from friends and family all over the world. They were beautiful, really beautiful. The thing with flowers though is that they die too. They only last a short while and then you are left with nothing again. We asked people that instead of flowers they make a donation to a children's charity or their local children's hospital only if they wanted to. We thought that would be a nice way for Cordelia's loss to have a positive impact on the rest of the worlds children-a nice legacy for her-to have helped others. We were very fortunate to have access to every piece of equipment that Cordelia needed in her NICU, but I know many hospitals and charities out there are desperate for money to buy life saving equipment. We were very touched by the kindness of our friends, family and sometimes people who we have never even met but are friends of our family who made donations. Donations have been made to children's hospitals and hospices all over the world, to charities that perform facial surgery on kids in poor countries, UNICEF, Ronald McDonald House, and a few others that I can't think of right now. We have made our own donations too and will probably continue to give yearly in Cordelia's name.

Day 21- Altar/Shrine/Sacred Place

We only felt strong enough to put Cordelia's urn out today. I didn't even know what it looked like-I thought it was red as that was the colour in the urn catalogue. I feel sick remembering having do that. Picking my daughter's urn. The day after she had died. Life is shit sometimes.
This project partly inspired and gave me the courage to do it. I had bought the white box months ago but never had the strength to actually do something with it. I hung the 3 white hearts above her urn to symbolise her big sister, daddy and mummy. I was really scared to bring her urn out, I couldn't touch it at first. My husband tried to place the urn inside the box but sadly it doesn't fit-something I am trying not to beat myself up about. I wanted her little spot to be perfect. So instead I am just going to accept how it looks right now and think of ways to make it look how it should-whatever that is. I want to keep it simple. I will probably add a picture on the wall too. There were lots of tears from both of us tonight. I never dreamt in my life that I would ever have to do something like this, to put my child's urn out, to think about how I wanted her 'spot' to look, it is not right, not fair. We sat together for a while not saying anything, just being there; together with our memories of our sweet, sweet girl.

Day 22-Place of care/birth


Cordelia was born at the Universitatspital Basel, Switzerland. The care she received there was wonderful. The nurses were amazing, I am truly in dept to them, these women are an inspiration. Being a neonatal nurse must be one of the most heart breaking jobs sometimes. I watched these women care for Cordelia like she was their own. The doctors were also fantastic, especially the head doctor in the unit. They really did everything they could to save Cordelia and for that I am grateful. I still harbour some resentment towards the doctors who sent me home earlier the day she was born, perhaps I would not be here writing this, perhaps I would. Who knows. I do know that I would do anything to go back in time and change history for me and Cordelia. She should be here. She was just a sweet innocent baby who deserved to live. She should be here.

Day 23-Their name/Photo

Cordelia Rae Mister-Mercer

My sweet, beautiful, innocent, delicate, strong Cordelia. I could look at this picture for hours, I feel almost every emotion possible when I look at it. I want to dive into that picture and hold her again. I have long loved the name Cordelia and it went so well with Rae. Both names it turns out are family names, Cordelia unbeknownst to me was my dads mothers names (she died when he was a young boy) and Rae is Mr M's grandpa's name as well as his mums middle name. I love this photo of her, she looks like she is smiling. This was the first time we got to hold her. I like to think she was soo happy to finally get cuddles from her mummy that she smiled. She was soo perfect, she looks so healthy and peaceful. How could she have died? I am sad for her. I am sad for all the things she will not be. I am sad for all the things she will not do. I am sad for me. I miss you Cordelia. This is a hard day for me.



Day 24-Siblings

Here are a few Wren pictures. She is soo beautiful, I can get lost looking at her. She is so much fun right now and her speach is improving so fast, lots of new words. Sometimes when I look at her I see Cordelia in her so much it is scary. They look so alike. I love looking at W and how much she has changed since she was born. I will not be able to do that with Cordelia, I wonder what she would look like today? I bet she would look very much like W did at 6 months-cute! There may be other siblings down the road for my girls, I have the mothers' yearning for a baby in my arms but I am not ready yet; physically or emotionally. I am too scared. A little more time is needed before the possibility of welcoming a third child into our arms. For now I take strength in the fact that I do have a living child who needs me very much, and I need her too. Love you Wrennie Roo.

Day 25-Baby shower/Blessing

I didn't have a shower for Cordelia or W for that matter. I was always a bit bummed by that but that is because we live overseas-my fault. I didn't buy much for Cordelia partly because we kept all of W's stuff and partly because she was early. My mum was visiting about a month before Cordelia made her entrance ( 9 weeks early) and bought her some bibs as we knew she would be a little sickly. While Cordelia was in hospital some bits I had ordered for her arrived from the UK. These bits are packed away now.

Shortly before Cordelia passed away we had a woman from the hospital come and say some non religious words about Cordelia passing onto the next life, a kind of blessing-in a non religious way. To be honest I hardly remember what she said all I could think about was how I was going to survive what was coming next. I had no idea what picture to use for today so I chose my positive pregnancy test, it was a happy day for me, a blessing if you will (in a non religious way!). 

Day 26-Their age

Cordelia Rae was born on April 4th at 30+6 weeks. She was not supposed to arrive until June 4th. She lived for 12 days. Too much happened in those 12 days for me to talk about now. I am sad. We loved her as hard as we could in those 12 days, gave her everything we could-our hearts, we did our best and so did she. We love and miss you Cordelia.

Day 27-Art work

The art work will be on my body. I want to get a tattoo for Cordelia. This is my inspiration board. Not knowing any tattoo artists here makes me nervous about doing it in Basel, I will probably wait until we go back to Canada where we know lots of amazing tattoo artists who I will trust to do a good job. I will also include a little Wren bird somewhere so W is not left out.

Day 28-Memories

Where do I start on this one? I hate that the memories that I think about the most are the sad ones. I wish Cordelia's story had a happy ending. I wish, I wish. Instead of a sad memory I am going to go way back in time, before she was even born. To a time where dead babies didn't exist in my world, to a time where we were looking forward to welcoming our special girl into our family and bringing her home.To a time where we still had hope that everything was going to be OK.

The memory I have chosen for today is a happy one, the day we found out we were having a girl. A small memory, not one I think about often but a nice one. A happy moment during a scary time. We didn't want to the know the sex of the baby but we found out by accident. Mr M and I were at the children's hospital waiting for me to have an MRI to get a better look at the baby. They were trying to confirm what was wrong with the baby's eye as they couldn't see in enough detail through the ultrasound. I was really scared. Plus it was W's 2nd birthday and in a few hours my house would be full of ten 2 year olds and their mumma's-stress.We were waiting to be called through when I remembered that I had not shown Mr M the amnio results that had been given to me the day before (we had them verbally already so we knew the baby had no chromosome issues). Mr M has a BSc in Bio Chemistry so I thought he would make more sense of the chromosome images, they didn't mean much to me. He looked at them and then noticed the XX chromosome. He said oh that must be you but then realised that this was the babies DNA not mine. A GIRL. We were so over the moon to be having another precious little girl. A little sister for W. Another daughter for us. I felt so fortunate to be having another girl. I was already thinking I liked the name Cordelia best for her but would wait as we did with W until we met her. In that brief moment before going for the dreaded MRI I was happy. A GIRL!.


Day 29-Music

We used to sing to Cordelia-a lot. My husband would sing for hours on end, until he had no voice practically. He is a awesome daddy, he sang lots for W when she was little too. I found it hard to think of songs to sing sometimes, my mind would be blank so I ended up singing the same few songs to her. I am a big Take That fan, have been since I was a teenager...lame I know but hey that is me all over! I used to sing 'Rule The World', 'Greatest Day' and 'Crack in my Heart' to her the most. These songs fill me with a sad longingness when I hear them now, they bring me back to her, I can feel her on me-so feather light. I am sad because I want to still be holding her and singing these songs to her, lulling her to sleep, comforting her. When I hear my husband singing W to sleep at night he will often sing the same songs that he sang to Cordelia, the first few times I heard him singing those songs I cried and cried. Those songs belong to both of my daughters now.

In a sad twist to this story, the lead singer of Take That had a stillborn daughter not long ago, I felt so sad for him and his family. I mean really, really sad. I really felt their pain. Those early days are soo unbearably dark and painful, it made me look back at my experience too. I wonder if he would think it was nice that I had sung his songs to my daughter who died? That I found strength is his music. Maybe I will write to him.

Day 30-Your Grief-tell the world

My grief.

It is all encompassing. It is difficult, lonely, confusing, devastating. I am a mother of 2 beautiful girls but the world can only see one, the other is in my heart. Please don't think I don't want to talk about Cordelia-I do. I just find it hard sometimes. Talking about death at all is a taboo subject in most circles, talking about babies who have died is even more unmentionable. But it happens and it happened to me. Please let me talk about my experience and my daughter, I am sorry if it makes you feel awkward, try walking in my shoes. Ask me about her and I will tell you. I need your support and encouragement to know that it is OK to talk about her with you. Cordelia was here and I love and miss her more than words can express.

I wear a mask. The mask that makes people say I am brave, say that I am so strong. I may wear this mask on the outside but inside I am dying. I am so unbearably sad it hurts. I am strong because I have to be even though I do not feel it, I feel weak. I feel like a failure.

I can not understand how this all happened. I am a good person. I did everything right. I don't smoke, I didn't even drink while were were trying to get pregnant let alone while I was pregnant. I ate everything I should and avoided those things you are supposed to. I took my pre natal vitamins, I went to every appointment-early. I did everything I was supposed to do and still it went wrong. Why? Why me? Why Cordelia?

I feel guilt, I feel pain, I feel regret, I feel anger, I feel shame. I am sad, I hurt. I miss my daughter, I miss everything she was going to be. I miss the future I had with her.

My grief has changed me, I am still figuring out who the new me is. I don't want to be this bitter forever. I hope I will not be this sad my whole life. I want to scream, I want to go crazy and destroy my apartment, I want to throw a chair through my window. But I don't. It will not bring Cordelia back.

Please be nice to me. I am fragile. Love me. Hug me. I am a bereaved mother. The worst thing to be. I will always be this person now, accept me. Time will help heal but I will always miss Cordelia, I will always think of her, wish she was still here, I will always mourn her loss. I will hate what happened to us my whole life, try not to blame myself forever.

Most of all I will continue to love Cordelia, keep her memory alive for future generations, talk of her, smile when I think of her, make sure her sister loves her. Cordelia is my daughter and I am proud of her. xoxoxo

Day 31-Sunset

The sunset was really beautiful tonight. I almost missed it if it wasn't for the fact that my husband commented on how stunning it was. Thanks Sam-for everything. Love You.

Thanks for reading my journey so far.

           


I am sad that this project is finished now. I am really glad I found out about it and the wonderful Carlymarie and that I decided to participate in this experience. I have learnt a few things along this journey; I am not alone. There are sadly lots of women out there with feelings just like mine and how I feel is normal in this community.

At times this project was painful, it made me really look at myself and my grief and how I am dealing with it, forced me to think and talk about some events that I don't like to talk about. I took the easy option a couple of times, chose not to share the deep dark stuff (day 28 memories springs to mind) but everything I have written here comes from my heart, my soul laid out. Mostly, this project gave me a purpose this month. Something to focus on. Everyday I would try to figure out how I would get the days topic across in a picture. It was nice to be a little creative in my grief and to sometimes think outside of the box. I shared some very private thoughts and feelings in these photos and the ramblings under them. If anyone is actually reading this I hope that my words have helped you in some way, that you can find strength, courage and hope from them.

Emma
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