So long 2012, its been a tough one

A New Year is almost here.

Strangely, this makes me sad. You would think I would be glad to see the back of 2012 and in a way I am but I am also very sorry to see this year come to a close.

Cordelia was born and died in 2012. A very important year in my life. In fact; it is probably the most important year in my life. Even more life changing than 2010-the year W was born. I will never be the same again-that is not all bad either. I am a more compassionate person now.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety towards the end of the year. We turned down the one invite we had to a party as I was too scared to be anywhere but in my home. I am not sure how I am going to feel as the clock strikes 12 and we reflect on this most challenging of my 34 years. How can I feel anything but sad? There will be glimmers of happiness too but they will be overshadowed by immense sadness. We lost our so wanted little girl this year. I do not want to be surrounded by people I don't know very well while I am feeling vulnerable. I want to be safe in my home, cry if I need to and not worry about other people seeing me.

I am sad to see the door close on this year because I am not ready to let go yet, I feel that a new year forces us to forget what happened in the last year and move on, make this year new year better than the last. Write it off like it didn't happen-but it did happen. I wish I could re-write our story but that is impossible. I feel time is pushing me further away from Cordelia and there is nothing I can do about that.

I do not want to add this extra distance of a new year between me and Cordelia. It will no longer be 'her' year. I want to hold her close to me still. I want her memories to be fresh. I know in reality nothing will actually change when the bells finish ringing and it is 2013. My heart will be just as broken, my life will be just as upside down so why am I so apprehensive about a change in a bunch of stupid numbers. I am a bereaved mother and it doesn't take much to set us off. Christmas was hard but for me the new year is harder. It just is.

I hope we have some nice things to look forward to this coming year. I know we have some hard things still to come for us in 2013. Cordelia's first birthday. The first anniversary of her death. Easter. Wren's first birthday since Cordelia passed away. All these things to handle. I am exhausted already just thinking about the challenges we still have yet to face-for this year and every year after. But I have hope. A twinkle here and there of good things that will happen to us-they have to. Perhaps we will welcome another baby in 2013. Hopefully my husband will get one of the jobs he recently interviewed for. Maybe I will find some direction in my life. Fingers crossed for us and all the other baby loss families that good things will happen to us this coming year. We deserve it!

Here is to a gentle 2013.


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Christmas 2012

We knew this Christmas would be hard, that our hearts would not be in it. We tried our best though, for W's sake. W is at the age where Christmas is very magical. Santa is oh so real and exciting. Reindeer can fly. Mummy and Daddy are super heroes. Life is exciting.

I think we did a pretty good job all things considering at keeping it together for her.

We have a tree, presents, Christmas music, lots of food but we are missing Cordelia. No matter what we do or how hard we look for her. There were no presents under the tree for her, no Christmas dinner for her, no excited smiles from her. We did our best to include Cordelia this Christmas though. We asked our friends and family to do Random Acts of Kindness in Cordelia's name. We were overwhelmed with the amazing things our friends did and I will share that all in the next few days. We still have some to open as each one makes us cry. It is taking us a long time to get through them all. Happy and Sad. I am touched by these acts of kindness but I wish we were watching Cordelia open gifts in her stocking rather than us opening pieces of paper with kind deeds written in them in her honour. It is not fair.

Cordelia would be almost 9 months old now. She would have enjoyed tearing paper off gifts and sampling her first Christmas dinner. She would have worn a pretty dress. Maybe had a clip in her hair. She would have some cute teeth and be sitting and crawling. In my dreams this is what I see and she is soo beautiful. So beautiful and happy. In my dreams.

Back in the real world, we do have W though and for that I am grateful. She is getting us through this holiday. She has kept us busy and made us laugh when we needed it. She has hugged me when I have been sad and asked if I was sad because of Cordelia. My sweet girl. I do not want  her to live under Cordelia's shadow. It is hard getting the balance right sometimes. I mustn't miss out on my future with W because I am looking too hard at my past with Cordelia but the past is all I have of Cordelia. I only have memories of her and I will not get to make new ones with her. How can I look anywhere but back?

I knew this Christmas would be hard.

We did get pleasure from watching W open her presents and playing together. Happy and Sad. It was a nice quiet Christmas, the 3 of us. No pressure from anyone or anything. Our own time frame. My husband and I did not do gifts for each other this year. What could I possibly want besides the obvious. We made sure W was adequately spoiled but not too much, there are even gifts under the tree for her still. She is not greedy.

Cordelia was missed very much this Christmas and will be for every Christmas. For the rest of my life. Always. I guess the pain will lessen over the years but the truth will always be there. Cordelia is missing. Part of my heart-missing. Always.
 

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When it rains it pours

And it is pouring.

My plate is full-too full. In fact I am worried I am about to drop it, breaking into a billion little pieces. My life; on the floor. A mess.

Last night was the the final helping of bad shit this lady can take.

My poor sweet W fell backwards off the dining room chair and badly cut her head open on the radiator. There was blood. I panicked. Tried to keep calm for W's sake, I was so glad my husband had just got home from work. I do not deal well in these situations. I really don't know what I would have done if I had been alone. Of course I thought the worst. I know bad stuff happens. I was so terrified. We took W in a taxi to the kinderspital which is right next to the women's hospital where Cordelia was born. It all felt a little too deja vu for me.

We ended up spending close to 5 hours at the hospital last night. She had to be sedated to have 3 stitches and even under sedation 4 people had to use all their strength to hold her down. It was very distressing-for her and us. Thankfully she is OK though. Another long night for us. Worrying. I was so strung out by the time we got home at about 1 am I could barely think. We had to keep waking her in the night last night just to make sure she was not showing signs of concussion. She smells of hospital still, it is quite unpleasant. She napped in our bed today and now my pillow smells of hospital too. Memories of Cordelia are strong tonight. Smells, memories, fear, sadness. When we got home our dinner was still sitting in the cold oven half cooked, the salad I was preparing still in mid prep on the counter. We had just dropped everything and gone.

Sounds familiar.

Since Cordelia passed away I have been very fearful of all my family's health. I worry about W getting sick or having an accident. I worry about me or my husband getting ill, I worry about mental health. I worry about my siblings, my parents, my friends. Mostly I worry about W. I need to protect her. She is my everything. It is hard to find the balance. How do I let her live a normal life when there are hazards everywhere. In my own house too! Should I remove all the chairs? Wrap the radiators in foam? How do I avoid becoming a mother who is not bat ass crazy?

I have just seen how long this post is and I haven't talked about the other stuff on my plate. I just feel overwhelmed right now. I feel that drowning sensation in my chest. I can't breath. I am alone.

I even called my sister on Sunday day to talk with her, she was tired-had been out late-could she call me back later?. She never did. I know her life is busy but I can't help feeling so alone in circumstances like that. I could have told her No- I need to talk but I felt bad I had woken her up-told her it was OK-go back to sleep.

I need a break.

I need some time to myself-even just a few hours doing something nice.

We need a break.

We need some good things to start happening in our life's again.

I need support.

I feel I am about to break. I wish we had family and friends close by. It has been such a long and hard 8 months for us. We have done this alone too. No rest. No 5 minutes. No one to help with W. No one to help with the house. No one to take care of stupid stuff for us. Little things are mounting into big things. My house is falling apart. Weird things are happening to me, I itch-incessantly. I keep dropping/spilling stuff. I am tired. Christmas is not helping matters either. I am over thinking everything too. Everyday another friends pregnancy is announced or a baby is born it seems too. Everyone else's lives are going according to plan. How wonderful for you all.

I don' know how to end this post. I could ramble on but I won't. I am going to go to bed to see if I can sleep but the sound of W's head hitting the radiator and her crying is haunting me. I feel ill.

Night.

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Random Acts of Kindness

I found this idea over at Small Bird studio where Franchesca is hosting a project called 12 days of Christmas without you with guest bloggers from our community. There are ideas on how to cope with the Christmas season, angel ornaments tutorials and other projects to do for our sweet babies. Mattie from Beauty Will Rise guest blogged the idea of Random Acts of Kindness in your child's name in last years' 12 days of Christmas. I knew this was the prefect idea for us to include Cordelia this Christmas as soon as I read it.

I spoke to Mr M about it and he agreed that it was a nice way to include Cordelia as well as our family and friends overseas. Cordelia's sister and cousins will be opening gifts this year and it is not fair that she isn't here to do that. So instead Cordelia's gift is a gift to others-the gift of kindness which in turn is a gift to us.

A few days ago we sent the email and made a post on Facebook asking our friends and family to commit a Random Act of Kindness towards a stranger between now and Christmas and to think of/dedicate the act to Cordelia while they are doing it.

The act does not need to involve money and it can be as simple as holding the door open for someone. Once the Random Act of Kindness has been performed we have asked that our friends and family email us with the email subject 'Cordelia's Kindness' so we know not to peek. We will print them off without reading them and place them in Cordelia's stocking. On Christmas morning we will open them and read out all the kind things that have been done in Cordelia's memory.

What a sweet way to remember our beautiful little girl this Christmas.

We have tried to make remembering Cordelia as positive as we can. After she passed away we asked friends to make donations to children's charities in lieu of flowers. It makes my heart hurt just a little less to know that other kids out there may be getting life saving equipment or medicine because of those donations made in Cordelia's name. Similarly I am hoping that these Random  Acts of Kindness may make a small difference to people and our society. It could make someones day. Sometimes it is the small things in life that make the big difference. A friendly smile to a passer by could be the only smile they get that day. It makes me feel a bit warm inside knowing that we can impact peoples lives even in the smallest way with our love for Cordelia.

I am hoping that the thought of our friends and family doing nice things for people will help this Christmas to be a little easier on us, although really there is nothing that will take the pain away. I have no doubt in my mind that I will cry while reading the notes we receive. I expect we will not be able to read them in one go but I do expect to get some comfort knowing our little girl is making an impact on peoples lives for the better.

Of course I wish with all my heart that she was with us, I didn't ever dream in a million years that her first Christmas would look like this. Who would. But this is what this Christmas looks like, no matter what. So I am making every effort as hard as it is to make it a special one-for all of us, including my sweet Cordelia.

Please feel free to commit a Random Act of Kindness in Cordelia's name too.

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Remembrance Service

So last night Mr M and I went to a non religious remembrance service for babies/children who have died  at an all denominations church. The service was mostly in German however there was an English translation provided so we could follow the service.

We are not religious people but we thought it might be nice to go. We got the baby sitter for W for a few hours so we could dedicate a little time just to Cordelia. I am really glad we did this because as soon as we walked into the church the tears starting flowing-furiously, there is no way I could have juggled W as well. The worst part of it was we had forgotten tissues. Seriously! Where is my head sometimes. I had a few napkins in my pocket and that was it-we had to make do. It was a very emotional evening for us, I have not seen Mr M cry like that for a long time. It was good for us both to let go, hold each other and cry, cry, cry. We try to be so strong all the time but not last night, last night we crumpled and fell apart at the seams.

I miss Cordelia soo much.

The theme of the service was darkness and light. There were 4 stages for us to go through. Firstly we poured water with our hands from one vessel into another to symbolise our tears. The second stage was to read our child's name out. Neither of us felt strong enough to do that so Cordelia's name was read out for us. The third stage was to place a tea light on the floor at the altar area and have a moment of thought/prayer. The fourth stage was to light a sparkler at the end, the light after the dark. The service was really sad but beautiful. I felt connected to the other parents as we were all grieving for our children. I did not feel the need to hide my tears, for once they were on full display for all to see-I didn't care. I knew everyone felt the same. It was OK to do this here.

I was hoping to meet some other English speaking parents but I didn't see anyone else holding the translated service so I think we may have been the only ones besides the lady who translated it. I know we are not the only ones here in Basel though. Maybe they did not know about the service.

After the service we had to get back to W and the babysitter. She must have wondered where we had been as it was obvious we had both been crying heavily -some date she probably thought. We had lots of cuddles with W the rest of the evening. I felt so exhausted and near tears all night. A few more were shed, I just couldn't stop them. We watched Saturday nights xfactor final (we are always a day behind) to distract ourselves which worked OK until Gary Barlow sang Rule the World-a song I used to sing to Cordelia. I couldn't help bursting into more tears. That song it so bittersweet for me now.

Family time away

We have been away the past few days. We took a short break to Nice, France. My husband had a one day work shop there so we tagged along and went a few days earlier so we could have some family time away.

It was so therapeutic to be by the sea, watching the waves rolling in, crashing against the shore. What was especially nice was the sunshine. We have had a lot of rain and grey days here recently so it was a double bonus to be at the beach with the sun shining on our pasty white faces.

Water and the ocean have been particularly significant to me since Cordelia died. I swim somewhat regularly now and crave the ocean and its waves. Before we moved to Switzerland we were living on the West coast of Canada, we saw the ocean every single day. Bliss. Now it is something that I miss a lot.

We spent a lot of time on the beach just looking out at the vastness, cloud formations, little boats and even some brave swimmers. W of course had a great time too. We threw some rocks into the water and said ' We love you Cordelia' as they splooshed into the water. Those rocks will be there for ever now, rolling around with the waves. Our love all over them.

We have had quite a few busy days recently and there is lots to write about but we have friends arriving in an hour for the weekend, I will try to squeeze some posts in if I can.

We have done a nice thing to remember Cordelia this Christmas which I will share ASAP and also this Sunday we are attending a non religious church service for babies who have passed away. Not something I ever dreamt we would be doing this Christmas.

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