And it is pouring.
My plate is full-too full. In fact I am worried I am about to drop it, breaking into a billion little pieces. My life; on the floor. A mess.
Last night was the the final helping of bad shit this lady can take.
My poor sweet W fell backwards off the dining room chair and badly cut her head open on the radiator. There was blood. I panicked. Tried to keep calm for W's sake, I was so glad my husband had just got home from work. I do not deal well in these situations. I really don't know what I would have done if I had been alone. Of course I thought the worst. I know bad stuff happens. I was so terrified. We took W in a taxi to the kinderspital which is right next to the women's hospital where Cordelia was born. It all felt a little too deja vu for me.
We ended up spending close to 5 hours at the hospital last night. She had to be sedated to have 3 stitches and even under sedation 4 people had to use all their strength to hold her down. It was very distressing-for her and us. Thankfully she is OK though. Another long night for us. Worrying. I was so strung out by the time we got home at about 1 am I could barely think. We had to keep waking her in the night last night just to make sure she was not showing signs of concussion. She smells of hospital still, it is quite unpleasant. She napped in our bed today and now my pillow smells of hospital too. Memories of Cordelia are strong tonight. Smells, memories, fear, sadness. When we got home our dinner was still sitting in the cold oven half cooked, the salad I was preparing still in mid prep on the counter. We had just dropped everything and gone.
Sounds familiar.
Since Cordelia passed away I have been very fearful of all my family's health. I worry about W getting sick or having an accident. I worry about me or my husband getting ill, I worry about mental health. I worry about my siblings, my parents, my friends. Mostly I worry about W. I need to protect her. She is my everything. It is hard to find the balance. How do I let her live a normal life when there are hazards everywhere. In my own house too! Should I remove all the chairs? Wrap the radiators in foam? How do I avoid becoming a mother who is not bat ass crazy?
I have just seen how long this post is and I haven't talked about the other stuff on my plate. I just feel overwhelmed right now. I feel that drowning sensation in my chest. I can't breath. I am alone.
I even called my sister on Sunday day to talk with her, she was tired-had been out late-could she call me back later?. She never did. I know her life is busy but I can't help feeling so alone in circumstances like that. I could have told her No- I need to talk but I felt bad I had woken her up-told her it was OK-go back to sleep.
I need a break.
I need some time to myself-even just a few hours doing something nice.
We need a break.
We need some good things to start happening in our life's again.
I need support.
I feel I am about to break. I wish we had family and friends close by. It has been such a long and hard 8 months for us. We have done this alone too. No rest. No 5 minutes. No one to help with W. No one to help with the house. No one to take care of stupid stuff for us. Little things are mounting into big things. My house is falling apart. Weird things are happening to me, I itch-incessantly. I keep dropping/spilling stuff. I am tired. Christmas is not helping matters either. I am over thinking everything too. Everyday another friends pregnancy is announced or a baby is born it seems too. Everyone else's lives are going according to plan. How wonderful for you all.
I don' know how to end this post. I could ramble on but I won't. I am going to go to bed to see if I can sleep but the sound of W's head hitting the radiator and her crying is haunting me. I feel ill.
Night.
E
x
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