Remembrance Service

So last night Mr M and I went to a non religious remembrance service for babies/children who have died  at an all denominations church. The service was mostly in German however there was an English translation provided so we could follow the service.

We are not religious people but we thought it might be nice to go. We got the baby sitter for W for a few hours so we could dedicate a little time just to Cordelia. I am really glad we did this because as soon as we walked into the church the tears starting flowing-furiously, there is no way I could have juggled W as well. The worst part of it was we had forgotten tissues. Seriously! Where is my head sometimes. I had a few napkins in my pocket and that was it-we had to make do. It was a very emotional evening for us, I have not seen Mr M cry like that for a long time. It was good for us both to let go, hold each other and cry, cry, cry. We try to be so strong all the time but not last night, last night we crumpled and fell apart at the seams.

I miss Cordelia soo much.

The theme of the service was darkness and light. There were 4 stages for us to go through. Firstly we poured water with our hands from one vessel into another to symbolise our tears. The second stage was to read our child's name out. Neither of us felt strong enough to do that so Cordelia's name was read out for us. The third stage was to place a tea light on the floor at the altar area and have a moment of thought/prayer. The fourth stage was to light a sparkler at the end, the light after the dark. The service was really sad but beautiful. I felt connected to the other parents as we were all grieving for our children. I did not feel the need to hide my tears, for once they were on full display for all to see-I didn't care. I knew everyone felt the same. It was OK to do this here.

I was hoping to meet some other English speaking parents but I didn't see anyone else holding the translated service so I think we may have been the only ones besides the lady who translated it. I know we are not the only ones here in Basel though. Maybe they did not know about the service.

After the service we had to get back to W and the babysitter. She must have wondered where we had been as it was obvious we had both been crying heavily -some date she probably thought. We had lots of cuddles with W the rest of the evening. I felt so exhausted and near tears all night. A few more were shed, I just couldn't stop them. We watched Saturday nights xfactor final (we are always a day behind) to distract ourselves which worked OK until Gary Barlow sang Rule the World-a song I used to sing to Cordelia. I couldn't help bursting into more tears. That song it so bittersweet for me now.