Placental abruption...

I had not heard of a placental abruption before it happened to me. I had read a few pregnancy books during my pregnancies but I was still not familiar with the term. I guess I glossed over the worst case scenarios in my what to expect what you are expecting book. I had crazy pregnant lady logic that if I read those sections too closely then those bad things that could happen would happen to me.

Oh the irony.

I have done lots of research on the Internet to help me understand what happened to us and try to help answer the 'why' question that torments me so.

Why did I have a placental abruption?

The Mayo Clinic website has the following information:

Definition:
Placental abruption (abruptio placentae) is an uncommon yet serious complication of pregnancy.
The placenta is a structure that develops in the uterus during pregnancy to nourish the growing baby. If the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery — either partially or completely — it's known as placental abruption. Placental abruption can deprive the baby of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother. Placental abruption often happens suddenly. Left untreated, placental abruption puts both mother and baby in jeopardy.

Causes/Risk Factors:

• Previous placental abruption. If you've experienced placental abruption before, you're at higher risk of experiencing it again.
• High blood pressure. High blood pressure — whether chronic or as a result of pregnancy — increases the risk of placental abruption.
• Abdominal trauma. Trauma to your abdomen — such as from a fall or other type of blow to the abdomen — makes placental abruption more likely.
• Substance abuse. Placental abruption is more common in women who smoke or use cocaine during pregnancy.
• Premature rupture of the membranes. During pregnancy, the baby is surrounded and cushioned by a fluid-filled membrane called the amniotic sac. The risk of placental abruption increases if the sac leaks or breaks before labor begins.
• Blood-clotting disorders. Any condition that impairs your blood's ability to clot increases the risk of placental abruption.
• Multiple pregnancy. If you're carrying more than one baby, the delivery of the first baby can cause changes in the uterus that trigger placental abruption before the other baby or babies are delivered.
• Maternal age. Placental abruption is more common in older women, especially after age 40.

I already know from doctors at the hospital that the most common risk factors did not apply to me, none of the risks listed above is me. My placenta was also examined and while it did contain infarctions there was not enough to cause the abruption.

They do not know why it happened.

It just did.

I guess I am thinking about it so much right now with Cordelia's birthday coming up next week and the possibility of maybe trying for another baby.

Nearly a year on it still seems all so real and surreal at the same time. I am still very sad and miss my baby everyday no matter how hard I work on my grief.

It is just so unfair that the abruption happened. That is was so severe it took Cordelia's life and a piece of mine too.

 

Another one....

Another rainbow...of course my measly phone did it no justice but it is there and it made me smile.

I actually took this yesterday after returning from our appointment with the geneticist. I happened to look out the window and there it was, in the exact same spot the one was the day of W's birthday party.

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Yesterday we had W's 3rd birthday party, I have been busy this last week or so preparing for her party. I was apprehensive about having a party full stop but I couldn't deny her a party when she has had one every year, this year especially as she knows all about birthday parties now. As always; I work hard at making sure life is happy for her as much as possible.

This year the theme was Pink and Purple-her two favourite colours. We ended up having 8 three/four year olds, 3 babies and 17 parents over. We managed to squeeze everyone into our apartment with the help of rearranging some furniture around. All in all the party was a success. The kids had a great time and I surprisingly coped really well. I tried to block out last year's party as much as possible. Last I was pregnant. Last year on the very day of W's birthday and party I had the MRI to look at Cordelia's eyes. Last year I thought this year I would have 2 kids with me.

But it is this year now.

Things are different.

The baby I thought would come home with me didn't.

I mentioned before that I am unsure if I believe in signs. I am not a religious person or even really a spiritual person. Sometimes I am given food for thought and I question my outlook on life after death. Sometimes when I see beautiful things in nature I think of Cordelia, I can't help but wonder if she puts beauty out there for me to see. Such an event took place yesterday during W's party. There was a big beautiful Rainbow right outside our apartment, all the kids were very excited and to be honest I just admired it without thinking of Cordelia as first, I was more concerned about the 4 kids stood on my radiator and worrying if it was going to break off the wall.

This rainbow was spectacular though. Big and bright, it also lasted for quite some time, but not long enough for me to think to take a picture of it. After everyone left that evening I mentioned to my husband that I thought that maybe the rainbow was a sign. A sign that Cordelia was here with us today. He is like me. He kinda agreed with me but it goes against everything we believe in or in our case don't believe in but a part of me can't help but think, maybe even hope that it was a sign from her. I think what opened our minds to signs was on the day Cordelia was cremated. At the cemetery on a very cold a grey day the sun came out at the time she was being cremated and shone down on us, we also had a deer run across our path a few minutes later. I have never seen a deer since or before that occasion here in Switzerland.

I know that in reality it was the weather system that created the rainbow but it is a nice thought to think it was my sweet girl showing her love for her big sister on her special day. Is there anything wrong with thinking stuff like this? Even when I would never have believed anything like this before Cordelia died? Maybe this is just part of the new normal for me. My life is different now so why shouldn't I be able to accept little signs like a rainbow to be from my sweet girl.? Of course I miss her so painfully much that I will look for signs of her wherever I can and I think this may be normal, albeit a little strange for the old me but perhaps very normal for the new me. Or should I just take the rainbow at face value and accept its beauty and also accept that beautiful things only make me think of Cordelia but that they are not sent from her. That last thought makes me feel a little sad though, it makes the world seem an even lonelier place without hope that we will get these  signs from our babies.

Am I a little confused?

Yes.