Home

We are home again.

Safe and sound.

I missed my home.

In fact, I wanted to come home as soon as we left. I had so much anxiety about this trip to UK that I didn't really enjoy it. I was well out of my comfort zone and wanted to be back in the safety of my own bubble. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to see friends but after so many years and my experience of losing Cordelia things were different. I am different.

I struggled to relate to my friends lives as much as I am sure they struggled to relate to mine. There were the awkward looks of pity, the ' I'm so sorry, I don't know what to says' but I didn't feel like anyone actually made an effort to talk to me about Cordelia and my experience. Maybe I should have been more open with them but they all seemed so happy in their sweet innocent lives, it was as if talking about dead babies would jinx their lives. That if we talked about Cordelia it might happen to them too. That we were contagious.

The biggest realisation for me though was that I think I discovered that for me Switzerland is home.

Home.

It's been a while since I have felt I had a home but I think I have found one here in my sweet little apartment with my sweet little imperfect family. I look around me and while the most awful thing happened to us while we have been here some wonderful things have happened too and most importantly I feel safe here, comfortable. My husband just got a new job here which he starts in May due to his long notice period. Phew, I was worried if he didn't find a new job here that we would have to leave, move on to another country. His new job offers me security as now we will be here for a while longer still. He is open to leaving here sooner than me but he is happy to stay here as long as I need to, which is why he got a new job here rather than the states or Canada. I am in no rush to leave and he understands that thankfully.

I have a good husband.