My girls

Something I struggle a lot with is not doing enough things for Cordelia. Including her in our life in as many ways as possible. People may think I do a lot but I feel no matter what I do- it is never enough.
 
If I make something for W than I feel guilty for not making one for Cordelia too. Some things are not possible for me to do for both girls but that doesn't stop me from feeling sad or guilty.

One thing I did recently for both of my girls was some subway art with all their birth information. First I made one for W to hang in her bedroom, but as I was making it I felt so terrible for only making one for her and not Cordelia. She existed too. I battled with my inner self for weeks over this. In the end some good advice I had was to make one for Cordelia but put it with her box of belongings as a keepsake. OK-an answer to my dilemma I thought..until I felt guilty for hiding it away! I am so troubled with making sure Cordelia is remembered and visible in our family and home but I also do not want to turn my house into a shrine. We have a spot for Cordelia in our house with her urn and some sun catcher crystals and pictures of her and her name from Carly Marie in the sand. Cordelia's spot is really very pretty. That's how I want it to stay. I do not want her spot to be overloaded with things. I like it simple, but at the same time I want to collect things for her and in her memory. Life is complicated. I am trying to find a balance between my dead daughter and my living daughter. I do not want W to grow up in Cordelia's shadow. Balance.

I felt so guilty that I have not printed either of these pictures off. They are sat here in a folder on my laptop. Waiting for me to figure out what to do.

I just had the idea of sharing them here. I thought this would be a safe place to share my work because I am not frightened to show of both of my pieces here, it is OK for me to display stuff about dead babies here. You will not judge me or think me strange or think that I am trying to hold on too hard to Cordelia's memory or that I am morbid for creating this picture. I had to create this picture. She is as much my daughter as W is.

For Cordelia's I chose to only include positive things. I wanted this to be a positive piece to look at, something to look at where the focus was her birth-not her death although the 2 always go together. I find it hard to not think of her death when I think of her birth but looking at this makes me think about when she was alive. Not dead. When we got to have snuggles, listening to her breathing. In, out, in, out.

Until she stopped.

Love you sweet girl.

Mummy
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