Denial

Today it has hit me.

I have been in denial you see.

Tomorrow is my very special little girls birthday.

I knew it was coming and I have prepared a tiny amount for it but on the whole I have been pretending that tomorrow was not going to happen. I have seen the date on the calendar, even bought food with the expiry date of her birthday but somehow I have still been in denial that the day would come. I feel guilty for this too. I know it must be a coping mechanism but I feel guilty still. It is not that I haven't been thinking of her all the time it's just that I have closed myself down to the pain a little..until today.

Today is the day last year that I woke with bleeding. The day last year that I rushed the two of us off to the hospital. The day I did what I could to save her but failed.

I didn't want to get out of bed today, the first time in a while I have felt that way. No chance for this lady though, Miss W wanted her breakfast. Life must go on.

This is the real start of Cordelia's story. The day she could have been saved. If the hospital had not sent me home this could have been a different story. I often think about how my life would look now had she lived. I know it wouldn't be all sunshine and flowers that I often think it would look like through my rose tinted glasses. I know it would be hard but I would have my 2 girls at least. Cordelia would have had health problems and I am sure they would have impacted our lives on a daily basis but I am confident we would have managed and been happy through the difficulties we encountered.

I feel very sad today and frightened too. Frightened of tomorrow. I am scared to wake up tomorrow. Scared of all the memories. Flashbacks. I could barely sleep last night so I imagine tonight will be worse. I know it should be a day that has some nice moments too, nice memories of Cordelia but in reality her actual birthday last year was a frightening day. We were so worried for her, it was not clear how stable her health was for the first part of the day. I woke from the anaesthetic under the impression she was going to die quickly. It was all very confusing under the influence of the GA. She was more stable by the end of the day, surprisingly so even, but it was still a very long and traumatic day. I was also recovering from my c-section. A feat in and of itself. Cordelia was alive and we had hope at least. We had each other.

Love and Hope

And now we are here,1 year later. I know I feel love still, although it is an altered love, a sad love, it is still love though. And buried somewhere deep inside of me is Hope too. A small flame that lights my broken self and forces me to keep going.

I still don't know how 1 year has passed.

How on earth did that happen.

Love you C.

Mumma
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