Grief is often described as being on a roller coaster and and I can really attest to that. It has more ups and downs and loop the loops than I care for, there are unexpected dark tunnels that seem to have no light, then out of nowhere you are spat back out into the harsh lights only to be dumped back into darkness a short time later. There are also the occasional long stretches where the ride makes you feel nothing-nothing at all , then whoosh-another loop the loop out of nowhere. Sometimes I do not know which way is up. I can always tell which way is down though.
It is the speed of the roller coaster with its ups and downs that can be especially difficult and confusing I find. I have often felt like I have been going crazy these last few months, like genuinely crazy. Like who am I crazy. My emotions can change within seconds and without me even realising it. It can be hard to keep up with erratic emotions, just when you understand how you are feeling bam, another change, wait-slow down, I need to breathe!
It can be hard for those around us, how can they gauge how to behave and what to say when our emotions are so erratic. I often don't know what I want to hear so how can I expect them to know? But I do. I want so desperately for people to know what to say. To make it better. Impossible I know. There is no magic cure to this, no words or actions to make the pain go away.
I used to like roller coasters but not anymore, not just since we lost Cordelia, I think the older I get the more I realise that I like the quiet life, no thrills or spills, just a nice smooth, mellow happy pace, more like a carousel where I can slowly watch life go by at a relaxed normal pace.
No comments:
Post a Comment