Out of place

So today I went to the zoo with W and some friends. I was apprehensive to go as I am still feeling quite low and I am fighting a cold on top of it.

I had told Mr M to stay at home as he took W swimming yesterday while I did some 'me' things so I thought I would return the favour, he also has a job interview tomorrow to prepare for. I got to the zoo and all my friends had their husbands with them which made me feel like I stood out even more than I feel I already do.

I felt really out of place today-even though I was with my friends. Partly because my other half wasn't there but mostly I just felt different. I am different. I realised how lonely I am even when I am surrounded by friends. Watching them joke and laugh easily with one another just made me feel even more distanced from them and my old life-more lonely. While they are happy, I am sad.

I felt like I didn't fit in anymore.

One of my friends suggested that I must be OK now, quite a few months have passed. I know she didn't mean for it to sound the way it did and I am not angry at her-more upset that she doesn't get it. I know she can't 'get it' but she could understand a little more. I reminded her that grief is not a straight line, it goes up, down, back and forth and that right now I was actually feeling pretty down.

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 Everywhere I looked there were seemingly happy little families enjoying a nice day out at the zoo. It was all a bit much for me. I made a hasty exit only saying goodbye to one of my friends asking her to say goodbye to rest for me. I just needed to get out of there-quickly. To come home. To feel safe and secure again. To the place where I can be me-whoever that is right now.