Not waving but drowning

So I had been feeling OK recently. As far as a recently bereaved mother can actually feel 'OK'. I was functioning reasonably well.

I am not sure if I have ever described my grief to anyone before. To me it feels like drowning. Like I can't breathe, gasping for air but my lungs are filling with water instead-suffocating me. My grief feels like I am in a whirlpool spinning round and round and I am being dragged along-getting dizzy and trying to stay afloat, my arms flailing around in a state of panic. I can see and feel the draw to the centre of whirlpool-the black oblivion. Right now the water is particularly fast and rough and I am being swept round and round, I can see the centre but I am not as close as I have been in the past. I will not fall in.

I started to feel the downwards turn last night, the heavy weight in my chest. We received Cordelia's name written in the sand by Carlymarie yesterday. I have been checking my email daily- eager for it to arrive, terrified for it to arrive at the same time. Would I be brave enough to open it? To look at it? What if it wasn't all I hoped it would look like. I knew it would make me feel emotional so my husband and I looked at it together last night after W had gone to bed. It is beautiful. Of course when I looked at her name there in the sand it all seemed so real again, so raw.

My baby's name is written in that sand because she died.

That makes me feel sick. I am finding it hard to express myself. Emotions can be so hard to describe. I think it just brought up a lot of feelings that maybe I had been suppressing in an effort to be normal. I swear I could actually feel Cordelia in my arms last night, her exact weight-right there. I still can't believe that she is not here sometimes.

When I went to bed I had another cry. Something that I used to do every night but haven't so much recently. When I woke this morning I still felt heavy. I took W for a walk with my friend but couldn't keep it together and ended up having another cry while pushing W on the swings. W is sick right now and is particularly hard work because of that which probably does not help my general state of mind either.

I was expecting this 'down' time to come, hoping it wouldn't but knowing it would, I have had cycles like this before. I just emailed a baby loss mum friend last night saying as much, I just didn't realise that a few short hours after I sent that message I would be feeling so low again.