Facing fears

So last week I did something really hard.

I visited a friend who just had her baby.

I wasn't going to do it. I was going to risk losing another friendship. Be even lonelier than I already am. In fact, in my head I had already cut the ties when she had told me he was born. Another one bites the dust I thought. I didn't think I had any other option. But I did, I just was too scared to do it.

My therapist is the one who advised me to go. Thank you. She knew that if I didn't go now it would just get harder for me. I knew that if I didn't go now that I would avoid my friend forever. I just didn't know how to do it. I didn't think I would be able to do it. I needed someone to tell me I could, to tell me that I needed to. I needed direction from someone. I was feeling lost and confused. I didn't want to make another bad decision. So I promised my therapist I would go. To help me keep my promise I went and bought an outfit for the baby and a gift for his older sister so she wouldn't feel left out. I had to go now.

This is not the first baby born since we lost Cordelia by far but a significant one. 10 other babies have been born in the last 7 months to friends all over the world. Number 11 will be here soon. Ouch.

Most of these babies live overseas. Thankfully. I don't have to see them if I don't want to. I don't. The difference with this baby is that his mumma has been one of the few people who I feel has been there for me. Strangely it didn't bother me that she was pregnant. She never rubbed it in my face (unlike the mother of baby number 11). She didn't wince when I mentioned Cordelia's name, she listened with full attention. Gave good advice, let me cry. It must have been hard for her too. To be around someone who's baby had died while being pregnant herself. I was worried that she would think I was bad luck to be around, she didn't. I think that is what makes me like her even more. She of all people should have been the one to shy away but she is the one who stepped forward.


So my friend and I arranged a time. I took the tram there. Tried not to think about what I was about to face. As I was nearing her house I realised that the last time I was there was when we picked W up right after Cordelia had died. Shit. I felt a little queasy to say the least.

He was perfect-beautiful. I was nervous. Scared. I didn't freak out, didn't try to steal her baby, didn't run away. We had a cuppa tea together. I even held him. That was scary. I wasn't sure how I would react. I was a little sweaty. I cried. Cried for my loss. Cried for how perfect he was. How perfect my Cordelia had been too. It was weird to hold him but I did it. Just for a few minutes. It did help that he is a boy. I don't think I could have done it if the baby was a girl.

I was worried about crying over her baby, I didn't really want to do that, this baby was not Cordelia. So I tried to be a strong as I could. We talked about how hard it was for me to be there, how I facing a really big fear by being there. My friend was very touched that I came, she acknowledged how hard it must be for me and that she really valued our friendship. I think she thought like I had that our friendship would be over or horribly changed. It so could have easily been like that, if I had done what I was going to do originally. It is hard work  to be a baby loss mumma in soo many ways, but I don't want to lose another friend so I did it. I was brave.

My friend's husband gave me a lift home-just like the last time I was there. This time it was different though. I thought about the last time I was in their car. How I was feeling. Mostly complete shock. I don't think I spoke a word. This time we did talk. We talked about Cordelia, how we are getting on, how life is for us now. He was interested, he cared. It was nice that he asked. Thank you.