But it does-in a big way.
I was so excited when I was pregnant to be looking at new prams for my two sweet girls. We weren't really buying much for Cordelia as we had all of Wren's stuff but something that was really important to me was a nice new pram for them both. Don't ask me me why, it just was.
I had bought second hand prams for Wren and always wished I had had a nice new shiny one for her. We knew Cordelia would have reflux problems as part of her recovery so I wanted her to have a nice little bassinet to be pushed around in. I think I put a lot of the stress of the pregnancy into looking for the perfect pram, there was a lot more going on in my head than just pram researching. If I found the perfect pram then everything would be perfect. Not the first or last time I will say something like that on this journey.
I finally found the perfect pram for my girls and on Saturday 31st March a friend drove me to Germany to buy it. I was so excited! The timing was perfect, it would arrive just before Cordelia was born even though I knew we still had extra time as she would be in the NICU for some time after her surgery but we would have it at home-ready and waiting for her. I had all the fluffy images in my head of pushing my two beautiful girls around, everybody happy. My perfect little family.
The strange thing is, that after I actually bought the pram something shifted. I didn't feel good about it for some reason. I had an uneasy feeling. I put it down to shoppers guilt. I had after all just spent what I consider to be a whack of cash.
Cordelia was born 4 days later.
Hmmm.
Do I think that the pram was a jinx? Sometimes. Ridiculous I know but there it is. I had always been a bit nervous of buying stuff during my pregnancies. Even with Wren we waited a very long time before we bought clothes, pram, crib etc.
Sometimes, I curse that f'ing pram. Seriously. I do.
After Cordelia passed away my friend cancelled the pram order for me. She didn't really want to bother me with this but the shop had said they would keep my deposit. I didn't care at that point although I thought it was disgusting. She said she would see what she could do. To this day I have no idea if they gave me my deposit back, I never checked my statement. I really don't care, it doesn't change anything real in my life.
When I chose my pram I hardly saw any of them around, in fact I think I had only seen 1-even though I was looking out for them. Now I see it all the bloody time. Damn pram. I see the happy mums pushing their 2 kids around. I deserve to push that pram just as much as those ladies do, so why aren't I?
About 2 months after Cordelia passed away, I did get a new pram. A small light weight city pram that holds only one child. A new pram-just not the one I had been dreaming of.
(((Hugs))) Strollers that hold 2 are still very difficult for me to see. I dreamed while pregnant with my DS earlier this year of buying one for 2 and they have always been a trigger for me too.
ReplyDeleteHI Emma,
ReplyDeleteJust been reading some of your blog. I will pass the double pram we bought onto my sister- in-law soon, we never got to use it, but she will. Sadly she had a still born a year before we lost Tessa, and now she is pregnant with her second rainbow baby. I still can not believe that within a year a brother and sister lost two little girls. I often imagine two little giggling cousins playing with each other, up there somewhere :)
I also wanted to tell you that we have this lovely dandelion wall sticker in our hallway, I often think of Cordelia when I pass it :)
http://www.wallallure.com/products/floating-dandelions-with-head
Love Edwina
Edwina-I am sorry you did not get to use your double pram either and that your families have had to suffer 2 losses. My heart goes out to you all.I am sure the 2 cousins are keeping each other company. Thanks for letting me know about your dandelion wall sticker, its beautuful. Thank you for thinking of my Cordelia too. I often think of Tessa as well, our sweet girls with us for 12 days. E x
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