So I have pretty much been living in fear of being asked this question for 6 months now. I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I would answer it and I never really came up with something that worked. Such an innocent question really, of course you want to gush about your other kids if they are not there with you when the question is asked but what if they are not there with you because they died (i hate that word) not just that they are in school at that particular moment or at home napping with daddy.
Well it happened today, I was asked the question and I was totally unprepared for it; I hated my answer and now I am so wracked with guilt and sadness I am here letting it out, I feel like I am going to explode with emotion, like a caged animal pacing in its too small enclosure. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what to do with myself. So here I am.
I met a woman on the tram today who is from the same town as me in Canada. We got talking on the tram because her little girl is about the same age as W and they were speaking English, her and her family moved in to my development 2 weeks ago it turns out, coincidentally into the house that a very good friend of mine sadly vacated in July to move to the US. One of the first questions she asked after we had talked about Canada was 'Is she your only one?' pointing to W. Oh god no. I was totally caught off guard partly because we were on the tram-the tram is not such a great place to answer what is now a very personal and difficult question for me to answer.
My reply: 'yes'.
I hate myself. I know that no matter what way I answer that question I will hate myself. I hate that I denied Cordelia existed. I froze. There is no right way for me to answer this question, only wrong. It is a lose/lose situation with myself. I either deny Cordelia existed or I talk about her and potentially make someone feel awkward and want to run for the first exit. I know I should be strong, if they can't handle the shitty truth too bad, but why do I still feel too guilty to put someone in that situation that I compromise myself and leave me in a mess instead of them? I know my response would be so unexpected, the question has no malice behind it but it is an attacking question for baby loss mothers. I think I just don't like making other people feel, sad, guilty or awkard-I like to save that stuff for me it seems.
I have talked to other baby loss mummas about this question. Everyone dreads it. Some only mention their loss if they feel strong enough at that moment, some say it depends on how well they know the other person. Some said they HAVE to mention their loss no matter what as they feel guilty not acknowledging them. I know now that I fall into that category. I think it took me being asked that question today to realise that. I am trying to turn this into a positive lesson here because I feel so awful and I can't stop beating myself up right now for how I answered. I am so sorry Cordelia. I am trying to tell myself it's OK. Now I know how my heart wants me to answer this question -another crappy life lesson in being a baby loss mumma has been learnt. I hate these lessons. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself but it is hard not to be, being a baby loss mumma is so complicated. I feel like going to that woman's house right now and asking her to ask me that question again so that I can give her the true answer, to be brave and tell her, no actually I do have another daughter who passed away 6 months ago, but I won't because that would be a bit weird. When the time feels right I will tell her about Cordelia and how beautiful she was.
Even though this question has been asked now and I know how I want to reply it does not mean that I live in any less fear of it being asked again but now perhaps I am a little more prepared. I will take my time before I answer, take a big deep breath and speak the truth. I have 2 beautiful daughters to be proud of.
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