This is normal I think-something really awful happened to my family there but also much of my healing is happening there now too. When I first started going back to the hospital for therapy it was extremely unpleasant to go there. Anxiety, sweating, nausea and sadness would all arise on my journey there, but I would always go in because I knew I was getting the support I so desperately needed. As the days started turning into weeks and now months these feelings are decreasing each time I go there. I still feel them-just not as strongly. In a way I am glad now that I have faced this challenge of going back there. I know it would be harder to go back there if I hadn't been visiting on a weekly and sometime twice weekly basis. I feel stronger for doing this-facing your fears is such a difficult and painful thing to do. This is the best hospital around here and I feel if I ever end up back in there for future care that I don't want to only have bad memories, I know this will be very hard in reality, bad memories are so much more vivid than good ones sometimes, especially these ones. When I go to the hospital it is always the same few rooms and that is OK for me, I am comfortable in them but the thought of going 2 floors up terrifies me. That is the floor where Cordelia came into this world and left it too soon, the floor where all of our nightmares came true. I hate that floor, that floor can go screw its self. We had some positive times on this floor too though, for a few days we thought Cordelia was going to be OK, we had precious but-never-long-enough kangaroo time with her-she was unbelievably soft. I would do anything for another 5 minutes of that special time together with her. Also, the care that I received and especially the neo natal team caring for Cordelia were super stars, I have so much respect and admiration for the nurses who put so much love and care into looking after Cordie for us, I know they were very saddened by her passing too.
Each week I walk past the ultrasound rooms where it seemed we kept getting surprised with bad news during the pregnancy, past the emergency room where I went when I first had bleeding, past the green chairs on the left by the lift-always filled with pregnant ladies with anxious faces, I have sat in those green chairs, it's usually because your are having some problems, I wish those chairs weren't there, I always feel for the ladies sat in them, I know what is going on behind their anxious faces:fear.
Despite all this, I still keep coming back for every appointment I have there, in fact those appointments have often been my lifeline, especially during the darkest early days, counting down the days until I could go back and pour my heart out to one and now 2 wonderful women who have heard my story like no one else and I am so thankful to them for helping me to lighten my load and taking some of this pain on. I still feel so many emotions going there each week, part of me hates the place, rightly so, how could I not. My baby who I should have brought home with me died there-just saying that makes me soo angry. For a while I really blamed the doctors who sent me home now I only occasionally do but that is another whole post another day. So I keep going back, even though it causes me sadness to be there and it can be a confusing place to be but it also gives me hope and right now I don't have much more than that to get through this and to come out the other side.
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