Guilt

We all have it. Every baby loss mother feels it. It haunts us all.

It plagues me daily.

I should have done more. I should have done something to stop this all from happening.

I should have gone back to the hospital sooner.  

I should have saved her.

I feel guilty everyday that Cordelia died, shoulda, woulda, coulda. I should have realised she was in trouble! How could I have not? She was inside of me! I was in charge of her well being and I let her down. I should have gone back to the hospital sooner (I trusted the doctors who had sent home just hours earlier), I wish I could change her history. I know logically that I did what I could but still I feel guilty. I should have done more.

Plain and simple.

I have kept something a secret for the last 9 months and only finally had the courage to blurt it out to my doctor at my last appointment. We were talking about my guilt as we often do and how it affects me and my grief. She wanted to know exactly what I feel guilty about so we can work on it in future sessions. She believes I will not be able to move forward until I stop feeling so much guilt. I talked about what I have written about above but there was something else that has been tormenting me since Cordelia was born. Something that I feel so guilty for that I could never say the words out loud. Something that takes my breath away every time even a glimmer of the thought appears in my head. Something that makes me feel guilt, shame, fear, anger, regret and sadness. Something that I try very hard not to think about.

I had never told a soul about this as I was too scared my fears would be confirmed. My dirty secret.  This is all going to sound a little crazy but I have been feeling so guilty for making my bed up the day before Cordelia was born.

There, I said it.

Stripping, washing and making the bed. Guilt.

I know. Ridiculous right?

I have been living in fear that I caused the abruption because of making my bed up. That I caused it. Crazy from the outside maybe, but oh so real and painful from the inside. I was so scared when the words came out of my mouth last week. I was so scared that my doctor was going to confirm my fears. That I was in fact guilty of starting the whole chain of events. That I should not have done that! What was I thinking!!! That I killed her.

I could barely breathe.

My doctor looked at me with the kindest face and told me that changing my bed would not have caused an abruption. It was not my fault. She has told me many times that I am not to blame for the abruption and Cordelia's death but I still feel soo much guilt and responsibility. At least now I know medically that making the bloody bed would not have caused the abruption but part of me still wonders. Still feels guilty. I just changed my bedding over today and the familiar feelings of guilt and shame were still there.

There are lots of things I feel guilty about when it comes to Cordelia. Too many to talk about in one post. Perhaps I will write a post called Guilt 2, Guilt 3, Guilt 4 and so on.....

I am not sure I will ever be able to release the guilt I feel. Guilt will haunt me for the rest of my life I think. I feel it will always be there, whispering in my inner conscience. It is not as loud as it has been but it is there everyday, making me doubt myself, a constant battle with emotions and logic. Emotions always win.

Guilt and Shame prevail.