Better

A friend said to me the other day that I looked 'better.'

Better. What exactly does that mean anyway? I hear that word all the time and it is so vague in it's meaning. 

I know there was no malice behind her saying this to me but it kinda got my back up a little. I got the feeling she mistakenly though I was 'over' everything. This friend had invite me out to a quiet dinner in a restaurant 5 minutes from my house. Just the 2 of us. Nice and safe. Close to home. It was a Friday night so I put some nice earrings on and slapped a bit on slap on my face. I think she took that as a sign that I am 'better'.

She knows nothing about me and my grief so how can she think I am better. I am good at hiding my grief from the world but really-are people so easily fooled by some cheap jewelry and eyeshadow? Perhaps it is my fault she assumed this. I do keep my grief extremely private from friends and family. They do not have much to go on.

I felt I needed to justify myself for going out and putting a smile on my face. Why do I have to do that though. It made me feel guilty for going out when this is something I struggle with already. Salt in the wound. Why did my friend question me like that? Especially when she was the one that invited me out. I know she meant it in a positive way but it had the opposite effect. It made me doubt myself and my actions. Made me feel guilty.

Of course I explained that I am not 'better'. That I was in fact making a super human effort to be out and having a 'nice time'. That I was trying to be kind to myself and allow myself to have a rare hour or 2 where I was just Emma.

She then proceeded to tell me that the only thing that will take the pain away and enable me to get over it is to have another child. Really. She told me that. I told her that having another child will not replace Cordelia and that yes, it may help mend a tiny piece of my broken heart but my heart will never be fixed. I will mourn for Cordelia my whole life. I will feel sad and grieve for her until the day I take my last breath. She seemed surprised. Oh the innocence. I can't be mad at her. She does not understand and nor do I ever want her to know what life is like once you lose a child. But is sure is lonely in this world-never being understood. No words can ever enlighten someone into how it feels and so I find I do not try. When I do people nod-even liken it to events in their lives-divorce, crappy childhood, early miscarriage. Please do not insult me. There is nothing that will compare to this. Those are different kinds of pain and sadness. I am not belittling those feelings-they are just different.

This friend lives 2 minutes from my house yet that was only the second time I have seen her since Cordelia passed away. That's right-2 times in 9.5 months....hhmmm. I can almost see her house from mine. The first time I saw her she told me she was nervous to see me after Cordelia passed away as she didn't know what I would 'look' like.

Really? That was the reason we didn't see each other for 5 months after Cordelia had passed away? Because you were too frightened!

I am not sure what kind of monster she thought I had turned into? I am still 5.3ft tall, still have brown hair, still a little overweight. I am just sad now. More wrinkled. Older. More tired. I even have some grey hairs now.

I am me, just different. Not better, not worse.

Just changed.

Please don't judge me.