Roller coaster

The Herbstmesse is on right now, one of the best times of the year in this city. It truly comes alive. There are fair rides all over town , amazing food stalls, markets and a huge Ferris wheel. I didn't go on any rides last year as I was pregnant. Wren did though. Seeing all these rides around town got me thinking about the ups and downs of my grief.

Grief is often described as being on a roller coaster and and I can really attest to that. It has more ups and downs and loop the loops than I care for, there are unexpected dark tunnels that seem to have no light, then out of nowhere you are spat back out into the harsh lights only to be dumped back into darkness a short time later. There are also the occasional long stretches where the ride makes you feel nothing-nothing at all , then whoosh-another loop the loop out of nowhere. Sometimes I do not know which way is up. I can always tell which way is down though.

It is the speed of the roller coaster with its ups and downs that can be especially difficult and confusing I find. I have often felt like I have been going crazy these last few months, like genuinely crazy. Like who am I crazy. My emotions can change within seconds and without me even realising it. It can be hard to keep up with erratic emotions, just when you understand how you are feeling bam, another change, wait-slow down, I need to breathe!

It can be hard for those around us, how can they gauge how to behave and what to say when our emotions are so erratic. I often don't know what I want to hear so how can I expect them to know? But I do. I want so desperately for people to know what to say. To make it better. Impossible I know. There is no magic cure to this, no words or actions to make the pain go away.

I used to like roller coasters but not anymore, not just since we lost Cordelia, I think the older I get the more I realise that I like the quiet life, no thrills or spills, just a nice smooth, mellow happy pace, more like a carousel where I can slowly watch life go by at a relaxed normal pace.
 

Friendships and loneliness

I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I feel low. Today I am especially lonely. We have moved a lot over the years. In the last 12 years I have lived in 11 houses/flats in 3 different countries. I have moved across the Atlantic 4 times. My roots are weak. I make friends easily thankfully but many friendships do not stand the test of distance, it is hard when you only see friends every few years. My dearest friends, the ones who I grew up with and know me better than anyone are scattered all over the place, most I have not seen in years. We talk on the phone but it is not the same as meeting for a cuppa and having a giggle together. We love each other but time plays tricks on friendships, I knew these girls best when they were girls, not the professionals or mothers they are now-now I just know the highlights of their lives-the cliff notes.

The friends I have here have been the best that they can be. We have only been friends for 1-2 years and we met through our kids, we do play dates. We have been out together once without the kids-my hen do  summer 2011. I like my friends here but we are missing each others history. I don't feel I can be totally open with them and put my grief on full display. Instead I play the strong, holding it together for W card when inside I am dying and want to fall apart. I want to cry and talk about Cordelia, how unfair this all is, how I want my baby back, how I held her while she took her last breaths, how beautiful she was. Why can't I let myself do that? Why do I have to pretend I am so bloody strong? 6 months have passed now and people probably think that I am over the worst of it but that is far from true. I feel like I have come a long way when I look back at myself in the first few weeks but in reality I have only made tiny baby steps forward. I still feel terrible, I still feel sad, I still feel guilty. So why am I hiding my grief from the world? Why do I cry on the tram alone instead of my friends arms?What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself ? I want to take this mask off.

Partly I feel let down. I wish people had come. Hardly any one came. No casseroles, no shoulders to cry on. Most people stayed away, a few came once or twice never to return. When I do see my friends we always have our kids with us-a play date for W, this makes it hard to talk. I try to not cry too much in front of W. I am her mummy, I should be her super hero, not the sad, crazy always crying mother that will send her running to therapy when she is an adult. Some people have even down right offended me and I am at a crossroads as to what will happen with our friendship-can I forgive? I will never forget so how can I forgive. I am a bit of a chicken when it comes to confrontation so I know I will not be able to tell them straight what they have done to hurt me. God, I am useless. There are a couple of friends I see who I have been more open with than others, I just don't see them enough. They have kids, jobs and one just had her baby last week. That will be a post all unto itself.

I am partly to blame for this loneliness, I could have reached out more. Instead I retreated into a bubble and hid from the world. Didn't answer the phone, emails or texts. Isn't that normal though? my baby died!! People just took that as I didn't want to be disturbed but that wasn't always the case. I wish they had kept calling. I would have picked up eventually. When I was ready.

I am ready now.

But it is too late-life has moved on for everyone else, spring ended, summer disappeared in a haze and fall is here, soon turning to winter. I don't know what to do. How to fix this mess I feel I am in. I am not in the best frame of mind right now hence a very doom and gloom post. There are rays of light in terms of friendships though. I have made a few new ones recently. One is a baby loss mother and one is not. I think these ladies are going to help me get through this.